What To Do When Your Anxious Attachment Pushes Good People Away
Jul 23, 2025Are you in that awful cycle where your relationship anxiety kicks into high gear and you can feel yourself pushing away someone who's actually amazing? Maybe you know deep down they're doing a good job, but those anxious triggers keep showing up every few weeks like clockwork? Girl, I see you—and this one's for you! ๐
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Why Your "Doing" Mindset is Actually Making Things Worse
Let me tell you something that's going to sound counterintuitive at first: all that scrambling and trying to "fix" things when you're triggered is actually the problem. ๐
When I was dating my now-husband (yes, we made it through the anxious-avoidant chaos!), I had this pattern I call "the flail." Picture this: something would trigger my anxious attachment, and I'd literally emotionally shake my arms around like I was drowning, desperately trying to do SOMETHING to make it better.
I'd think, "What can I text? What can I say? How can I be nicer? How can I prove I'm worth staying for?"
But here's the tea: that frantic energy of trying to prove your worth through actions is exactly what pushes good people away. It's giving desperate used car salesman energy, and nobody wants to be sold to—especially not your partner! โจ
The reality is, if you're an overachiever (and I know you are, gorgeous), your entire nervous system has been programmed to believe that love comes through doing, not being. You got good grades = love. You scored the goals = love. You achieved the things = safety and connection.
But romantic relationships don't work that way, and that's why you keep hitting this wall.
The Real Root: Your Subconscious Programming is Running the Show
Here's what's really happening beneath the surface: your subconscious mind learned early on that safety and connection come through performance and achievement.
This programming is happening 24/7 without you even realizing it. So when your anxious attachment gets triggered and you feel like you might lose this person, your system automatically goes into "What do I need to DO to fix this?" mode.
But babe, healthy relationships aren't transactional. They're not built on a scorekeeping system where you tally up who did what for whom. That actually creates MORE separation, not the closeness you're craving! ๐
I used to keep score constantly. "I did this nice thing, why didn't he do that?" It's exhausting and it doesn't feel good because you literally cannot win in a relationship where you're keeping score.
Why "Proving" Your Worth is Relationship Repellent
Let's talk about that desperate energy for a minute, because I need you to really get this. When you go into "prove mode"—trying to convince someone you're worthy of their love—you're unconsciously sending the message that there's something TO prove.
Even if you have the best intentions and you're genuinely trying to be a good partner, that underlying energy of "I need to prove I'm good enough" is what I call used car salesman vibes. And just like you can feel when a car salesperson is trying too hard to sell you something (even when they're saying all the right words), your partner can feel that prove-y energy too.
People don't want to be sold to. Your partner doesn't want to be convinced that you're amazing. They want to experience you being amazing through your natural way of being, not through your frantic efforts to demonstrate it. ๐
This ties directly into control issues too (and I know some of you are squirming reading this!). When we try to control the situation by laying out all the logical reasons why someone should like us, it's actually a major turnoff.
The Game-Changing Shift: From Doing to Being
Okay gorgeous, here's where we get to the good stuff—the hot tip that literally changed my entire relationship dynamic! ๐คฉ
I remember sitting at dinner with my best friend, making a list of all the qualities I wanted in a partner. As I was writing them out, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "Holy smokes, this person I want to attract is incredible... so who do I need to BE in order to have this amazing person in my life?"
That question changed EVERYTHING.
Instead of focusing on what you need to DO when you're triggered, focus on who you want to BE. This is literally what I open every single coaching session with because it's that important.
When you orient yourself around "Who am I being right now?" and "Who do I want to be in this relationship?" it completely flips the script. Instead of the external scramble and flail, you're operating from your core—your true self.
Who you're being is literally everything. It's the ooey-gooey center that everything else revolves around.
How Being-ness Creates the Connection You Actually Want
Think about the difference in energy between these two approaches:
Doing Energy: "I'm freaking out, what can I text him? How can I prove I'm not too much? What can I do to make him feel closer to me?"
Being Energy: "I'm going to be someone who is open, compassionate, receptive, and accepting of myself in this moment."
Can you FEEL the difference? ๐
When you focus on who you're being—someone who is open, considerate, compassionate, receptive—that inherently is what attracts people. That's the quality people want to be around. It's an internal focus versus the external flail.
This is how you actually create closeness and intimacy in your relationships. Not through proving, not through doing more, but through being the kind of person who naturally draws people in.
Breaking Free from the Prove-and-Push Cycle
I know this might feel scary at first, especially if you've been operating in doing-mode your whole life. But remember: you have nothing to prove to anyone, ever.
If you're in a relationship where you feel like you need to prove something, that's already setting things up for failure. Love isn't about proving anything to anyone.
Real love is built on openness, acceptance, and honor. It's about showing up as your authentic self and trusting that the right person will see your worth without you having to convince them of it.
The energy of "I'm here, open and accepting, doing my best" feels SO different from "I need to prove to you that I'm good enough, worthy enough, girlfriend material enough." โจ
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Catch yourself in "doing" mode and ask "Who am I being right now?" instead of "What should I do?"
- Practice sitting with triggered feelings without immediately jumping into action or prove-mode
- Identify your core desired way of being (open, compassionate, receptive, etc.) and anchor into that during conflicts
- Notice your relationship with control and get curious about where that need to manage outcomes is coming from
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:05] Why your anxious attachment symptoms keep happening even in good relationships
- [2:16] The story of how Claire's anxious-avoidant dynamic played out with her now-husband
- [4:24] What "the flail" looks like and why it pushes people away
- [8:18] How overachiever programming creates relationship problems
- [12:05] Why focusing on "what to do" creates transactional relationships
- [17:03] The dinner conversation that changed everything about Claire's approach
- [18:17] The difference between doing energy and being energy
Related Posts You'll Love:
- How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
- How You're Ruining a Good Relationship with Self-Sabotage
- 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
