How You're Ruining a Good Relationship with Self Sabotage
Jul 15, 2025Girl, let's be real for a hot second. You've met someone amazing—they're kind, secure, and actually want to be with you. But instead of enjoying it, you're picking fights, pulling away, or finding reasons why it won't work. Sound familiar? Welcome to the self-sabotage club, gorgeous—and trust me, you're not alone in this! ๐
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The Truth About Self-Sabotage in Relationships
Okay hunny, let's dive into what self-sabotage actually looks like because I see this pattern SO much with my clients (and hello, I was the queen of this myself! ๐).
Self-sabotage is when you logically KNOW you want something—in this case, a loving relationship—but you can't help but get in your own way. It's like your brain wants intimacy but your actions are literally destroying any chance of getting it.
I have a client right now who's incredibly successful, living her big city dreams, but the second things get real with someone, she uses her hyper-independence as a shield. She'll get close and then think, "Before things go wrong or this messes up, I'm just going to end it." That's textbook self-sabotage right there! โจ
The Fight-Starting Queen (We've All Been There)
Another way self-sabotage shows up? Starting little fights about things that aren't actually a big deal.
I have another client who's married, and she knows logically that whatever she's upset about isn't worth the drama. But in the moment, it feels HUGE. Then hindsight hits—whether it's the next day or a week later—and she's like, "Oh wait, that actually wasn't a big deal at all."
Can you relate, gorgeous? Because personally, my husband and I used to fight like CLOCKWORK. We're talking every Monday or every other Monday. You could literally set your watch to our arguments! ๐
My form of self-sabotage was avoiding communication all weekend because I "didn't want to ruin things." I'd bottle everything up and then—BOOM—Monday morning meltdown. Classic self-sabotage move right there!
The Root of All Relationship Self-Sabotage
Here's what I've noticed after working with countless clients and doing my own deep healing work: the biggest factor in self-sabotage is a lack of radical honesty with ourselves.
Think about it like this—if you have a deep cut on your arm, your natural instinct is to protect it with your other hand. You don't want to move it because moving it feels scary, right? We do the exact same thing with our emotions.
Sometimes the truth is SO scary to look at that we'd rather just avoid it entirely. But here's the thing, boo—avoidance isn't healing. It's just postponing the inevitable breakdown that leads to the breakthrough! ๐ซ
Why We Choose Dishonesty (And It's Not What You Think)
Let me be super compassionate here because sometimes we're not even aware of how we're being dishonest with ourselves. We'd rather avoid the hard conversations because they feel impossible to navigate.
For me, I thought it was "easier" to avoid bringing up issues over the weekend rather than actually working through them together. But that avoidance was just another form of dishonesty—I wasn't being truthful about how I was feeling in real time.
The thing is, when we're not honest with ourselves, we perpetuate the exact problems we're trying to avoid. It's like trying to heal a wound while constantly picking at the scab! ๐ค
Radical Honesty: Your Self-Sabotage Antidote
So what's the solution? Radical honesty. And I mean RADICAL, gorgeous.
My husband and I just celebrated our 8-year anniversary of meeting (and our 5-year wedding anniversary is coming up! ๐), and one of the absolute bedrocks of our relationship is practicing radical honesty on a daily basis.
I don't mean we "try" to be honest—trying is just convincing yourself you're taking action without actually doing it. We actively WORK on being radically honest with each other all the time.
This isn't just about relationship anxiety either. Radical honesty applies to every area of your life:
- Listening to your body's hunger cues
- Being honest about your work boundaries
- Acknowledging what success actually looks like for YOU
- Recognizing when you're people-pleasing instead of being authentic
How to Spot Your Self-Sabotage Patterns
The tricky thing about self-sabotage is that we often think we're being honest when we're really not. Here's how to tell where you're at in your healing journey:
If you keep finding yourself in the same patterns or cycles, it's usually about radical honesty and truth. The reason it's so hard to self-identify is that we need mirrors—we need other people to reflect back to us what we can't see ourselves.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Where am I avoiding looking at what's really not working?
- What truth am I scared to face about my relationship patterns?
- How can I be more honest about what I actually want (not what I think I should want)?
Remember, this isn't about blaming or shaming yourself or anyone else. It's about getting crystal clear on what's actually happening so you can make different choices! ๐
The Ripple Effect of Self-Sabotage
Here's what's wild—how we do one thing is how we do everything. Your relationship self-sabotage patterns are probably showing up in other areas of your life too.
Maybe you're sabotaging your health by not listening to your body's signals. Or you're sabotaging your career by overworking instead of being strategic. It's all connected, gorgeous!
The more dishonest we are with ourselves, the more we betray ourselves, and the more we refuse to look at what's not working, the more we perpetuate the exact problems we're trying to solve.
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Practice radical honesty daily - Start small with things like "Am I actually hungry right now?" or "How am I really feeling about this situation?"
- Identify your specific self-sabotage patterns - Do you start fights? Pull away when things get good? Use independence as a shield?
- Get curious instead of judgmental - When you catch yourself sabotaging, ask "What am I afraid of?" instead of beating yourself up
- Find your mirrors - Whether it's therapy, coaching, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who can reflect back what you can't see
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:05] Claire introduces the topic of self-sabotage and admits she used to do this with great guys
- [3:06] Real client example of using hyper-independence as a shield to avoid intimacy
- [4:25] How married people self-sabotage by starting unnecessary fights
- [5:21] Claire's personal story about fighting like clockwork every Monday
- [6:13] The common denominator in all self-sabotage: lack of radical honesty
- [8:50] Why radical honesty is the bedrock of Claire's 8-year relationship
- [11:20] How self-sabotage shows up in all areas of life, not just relationships
Related Posts You'll Love:
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
- Stopping the Systemic Self Sabotage and Relationship Anxiety
- How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
- 3 Reasons Your Anxious Attachment Isn't Healing
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
