Healing Anxious Attachment

For high-achieving women who crush it everywhere except love. Discover how to stop overthinking, trust your intuition, and build the secure relationship you've always wantedโ€”without dimming your shine.

Why Reassurance Isn't Working in Your Relationship

anxious-attachment-recovery high-performer-anxiety relationship-confidence-building relationship-emotional-healing secure-attachment-journey validation-addiction-healing why-reassurance-fails Jul 01, 2025
 

Are you constantly asking "do you still love me?" and feeling like a broken record? Getting all the reassurance in the world but still feeling empty inside? Girl, your well might be bone dry—and I'm here to help you fill it up from the INSIDE out! ๐Ÿ’•

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The Real Reason You're Still Thirsty for Validation

Listen gorgeous, if you're getting reassurance from your partner but it's lasting about five minutes before you need another hit, we need to have a real talk. ๐Ÿ™ˆ

I used to be the queen of seeking validation from literally everyone—random judges at fitness competitions, partners, friends, you name it. I remember sitting backstage at a competition, almost naked in a tiny bikini, surrounded by the smell of sweat and Pam cooking spray, having this massive realization: I was absolutely miserable.

Here's what I learned the hard way: if your well is empty, it doesn't matter how many buckets people pour into you. You'll still be dry because the foundation isn't there.

Think about it like this—if someone is giving you buckets and buckets of love, telling you they care about you, and five minutes later you're asking again, the problem isn't them. The problem is that your internal well has no bottom to hold what they're giving you.

How Your "Validation Seeking" Started (And Why It's Not Your Fault)

For me, this pattern wasn't new. I literally put myself in a sport where ten random judges would look at my body and tell me my worth. When I didn't place well, I got feedback that I needed bigger boobs—so guess what I did? I got a boob job! ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿป‍โ™€๏ธ

I was seeking validation and reassurance from literally random strangers, and of course that bled into my relationships. Even with great guys who were giving me all the reassurance in the world, it wasn't enough because I was operating from a place of deep internal emptiness.

This is the thing about validation-seeking: it's usually how we've been operating for a while. It's not just happening in your romantic relationship—it's happening everywhere. Your well has been empty, and you've been trying to fill it from external sources instead of learning how to fill it yourself.

The "Why" Question That's Keeping You Stuck

When you're constantly asking your partner "why don't you care about me?" or "why don't you like me?" you're actually avoiding the real question. Asking "why" is how we avoid looking at "what is."

What is in your well? Is it bone dry? How are you making space for yourself? If you keep going out there with your megaphone asking for validation and reassurance, but your well is empty and you don't understand how to cultivate your own fulfillment, no amount of validation is going to feel good.

It's never going to be enough, and I get it—it's so much easier to point outward and ask someone else to keep coming with the buckets. But here's the reality check: if I'm pointing at you asking why you won't fill me up, there are six fingers pointing back at me asking what I'm doing for myself. โœจ

The Self-Talk Trap (And Why Your Affirmations Aren't Working)

I had a client recently who was in a full spiral (which I actually love because breakdowns happen before breakthroughs!). She was like, "Well I'm talking to myself, I'm telling myself positive affirmations, I'm doing all the things."

But when we deconstructed what she was saying, I realized she was trying to talk AT herself to feel better. That's like having amazing chocolate chips for cookies but no butter, no process, no love in the recipe. The ingredients matter, but how you put them together matters even more.

Here's what most people miss about self-talk and affirmations: it's not just what you say, it's:

  • The energy behind what you're saying
  • The process you use
  • The other tools you combine it with
  • Who you're being when you create it

Have you ever tasted cooking made with love? Same exact recipe, same ingredients, but you can tell the difference. That's because who you're being in the creation matters too. ๐Ÿ’•

Why Your Well Stays Empty (Even When You're "Doing Everything Right")

If you're one of those women who looks amazing on paper—you're achieving, you've got letters behind your name, you're investing in yourself—but still feel empty inside, you're not alone. This was totally me.

On paper, I was crushing it. I was competing at the state and national level, I had all the stats, I looked like a badass. But I did NOT feel that way. There was this huge disconnect between what looked good externally and what I felt internally.

This is why your friends, coworkers, and family are like "what?!" when you tell them how you really feel. It can feel like a dirty little secret because nobody really understands except for your partner who's experiencing the ramifications of your empty well.

Your well might be empty because you've been conditioned to get love and validation from doing instead of being. But healthy relationships have nothing to do with what you do and everything to do with who you're being. ๐Ÿ‘‘

Building Emotional Permanence (Your Secret Weapon)

One of the biggest pieces missing for anxious attachment is emotional permanence. Just like babies learn object permanence through peekaboo (understanding that mom is still there even when they can't see her), we need to learn that love and connection can stay strong even when we're not actively engaging.

This is why space in relationships is actually how things grow. But when we have anxious attachment, space feels terrifying. We want to latch on, make things happen fast, keep the conversation going, ask questions to maintain connection.

I'm so grateful my husband and I were long-distance for the first two years because it forced us to have space and actually get to know each other. Without that, I would have been smothering the hell out of the relationship.

Learning emotional permanence means building the internal muscle to know that emotions can stay strong even when you're not actively doing something about the relationship. It's about learning that you can be apart, you can be distant (actual or perceived), and you can still be okay. โœจ

The Real Work: Filling Your Own Well

The reassurance isn't working because the foundation isn't there yet. You need to learn how to:

  • Cultivate your own fulfillment
  • Talk to yourself with love and intention
  • Trust yourself deeply
  • Create safety from within
  • Hold space for difficult emotions

This isn't about becoming completely self-sufficient and never needing anyone. It's about having a foundation of self-trust and self-love that can actually receive and hold the love others want to give you.

When you have that foundation, reassurance from your partner becomes the cherry on top instead of the entire sundae you desperately need to survive.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

  1. Start asking "what" instead of "why" - Get curious about what's actually in your well instead of demanding external fixes
  2. Practice emotional permanence daily - Remind yourself that love can exist even when you're not actively engaging or seeking reassurance
  3. Check your recipe - Look at not just what you're telling yourself, but HOW you're doing your self-talk and healing work
  4. Join the Healing Girl Gang - Surround yourself with other women who understand this journey and can support your growth

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

  • [0:00] Welcome to the episode about why reassurance isn't working
  • [3:00] Claire's fitness competition story and validation-seeking history
  • [7:30] The empty well metaphor - why external reassurance doesn't stick
  • [9:30] How asking "why" keeps you stuck instead of looking at "what is"
  • [11:00] The client story about affirmations not working and the "recipe" analogy
  • [16:30] Gail's question about relationship anxiety and connection fears
  • [18:00] Learning emotional permanence and why space helps relationships grow

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Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐Ÿ’ซ

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