Healing Anxious Attachment

For high-achieving women who crush it everywhere except love. Discover how to stop overthinking, trust your intuition, and build the secure relationship you've always wanted—without dimming your shine.

The Early Sign of Anxious Attachment Nobody Talks About

anxious-attachment-healing anxious-attachment-signs high-achiever-dating overthinking-relationships relationship-anxiety-patterns secure-attachment self-abandonment-relationships Jul 23, 2025

Are you giving 1000% to someone you're not even exclusive with? Abandoning your own needs to fit into their life? Acting like ride-or-die girlfriend material before you're even official? Hunny, this sneaky pattern might be the ROOT of your anxious attachment—and I'm about to spill all the tea on how to heal it! 💕

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Why You're Self-Abandoning (And Don't Even Know It)

Girl, let me get real with you for a hot minute. 🔥 If you're constantly overthinking texts, spiraling when they take forever to respond, or giving your whole heart to someone who hasn't even asked you to be exclusive—we need to talk about self-abandonment.

I've been seeing this pattern with SO many of my 1:1 clients lately, and honestly? I used to do this exact same thing. Like, I'm talking about going back to high school ring dance level self-abandonment (yes, I'm about to get vulnerable AF with you gorgeous).

Here's what self-abandonment really looks like: You abandon your own desires, needs, and truth to fit into someone else's life. You prioritize their goals, their vision, their everything over yours. And the scariest part? You lose touch with your own intuition because you're so hyper-focused on THEM. 😮‍💨

The Disney Princess Programming That Ruined Us All

Okay, don't come for me Disney lovers (because I'm still a Disney kid myself 🙈), but we need to talk about how deep this programming goes!

I was literally reading romance novels as a kid (thanks Mom—love you but also WHY), watching The Little Mermaid give up her voice for a man, and absorbing all these messages that women are more valuable when we're in relationships. The heroine gets stolen by a pirate and somehow falls in love? The princess needs saving? Girl, NO.

This messaging runs DEEP in our society—that our worth comes from being chosen, being in relationship, being the "perfect girlfriend." It's patriarchal, capitalistic nonsense that tells us we're only valuable as someone's property.

But here's the tea ☕: When you believe your worth comes from being in relationship, you'll abandon yourself to keep that relationship. You'll twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what they want instead of staying true to who YOU are.

My Ring Dance Reality Check (AKA How I Learned This Lesson the Hard Way)

Let me paint you a picture of teenage me being absolutely DELUSIONAL. 🤡 Junior year, this guy asks me to ring dance (it's like a special high school thing with your class ring). We weren't even dating! Not exclusive! Not even TALKING regularly!

But did that stop me from giving him 1000% of my emotional energy? NOPE. I was being so sweet, giving him all my time, basically acting like his girlfriend when I was literally just... a girl he knew who said yes to a dance.

Plot twist: He asked someone else instead. 💔

And I was DEVASTATED. Like, genuinely heartbroken over someone I wasn't even dating! Why? Because I had already self-abandoned so completely that I was emotionally invested in an imaginary relationship.

Fast forward to college and my adult years—same pattern, different guys. I was the ultimate ride-or-die girlfriend energy for literally anyone I was remotely interested in. Through thick and thin, best girlfriend ever, 100% committed to people who never asked for that level of commitment.

When "Being 100% In" Becomes Self-Destruction

Now listen, being committed in a relationship is beautiful! When you're married (like I am now), when you're engaged, when you've actually CHOSEN each other—absolutely be 100% in! 👑

But gorgeous, if you're giving wife energy to someone who's giving you "maybe we'll hang out this weekend" energy, we have a problem.

Here's what I learned the hard way: self-abandonment doesn't have a place in healthy, secure relationships. When you abandon your own needs, desires, and truth for someone else, you:

Lose touch with your intuition
Stop listening to your own gut feelings
Prioritize them over yourself consistently
Fill your internal world with shame and blame
Expect them to be your biggest fan (when that's YOUR job!)

And babe, if you don't have your own back, if you're not your own biggest supporter, how can you expect to create a secure relationship? ✨

The Shame Spiral That Keeps You Stuck

One of the biggest pieces of my self-abandonment pattern was the constant shame and blame I'd put on myself. Everything that went wrong in the relationship? My fault. Everything that felt off? I must be doing something wrong.

I was NOT talking to myself like my own best friend. I didn't have that strong sense of "I've got myself, I trust myself, I'm doing the best I can." Instead, I was my own worst critic while bending over backwards for someone else.

Here's what I tell my clients: If you don't feel safe within yourself, you'll seek that safety from someone else. And that's not a setup for secure love—that's a setup for anxious attachment patterns that will follow you from relationship to relationship.

The Plot Twist: I Come First Now (And It's Not Selfish)

The biggest shift that took me from anxiously attached to secure? I come first. Straight up. 💕

I KNOW that might feel selfish if you've never put time, energy, or love into yourself at the deepest level. It's like someone who's never tasted sugar having a Tootsie Roll—it's going to feel like WAY too much sweetness because it's so foreign!

My father-in-law doesn't eat anything green (and I mean ANYTHING—if there are chives on the baked potato, he's not eating it). If he tried to eat a big salad right now, it would feel absolutely disgusting and wrong because it's so different from what he knows.

That's probably how putting yourself first feels to you right now—foreign, wrong, selfish. But gorgeous, if you're not in service to yourself, you can't create a strong relationship.

Your Action Step: Do Something Just for YOU

Here's your homework (and I'm serious about this): Get off this podcast and do something JUST for yourself. Not for work, not for your parents, not for your partner, not for anyone else. Something that's truly for YOU.

Can you take a walk and actually look at the clouds? Can you practice something you enjoy? What could you do that isn't just scrolling Netflix or stress-eating candy, but something that actually serves your soul? 🌟

If this feels brand new or impossible, remember—this is like building a muscle. You're not going to become Arnold Schwarzenegger overnight, but every single rep counts. Every time you choose yourself, you're building that self-trust muscle.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

Take inventory of your self-abandonment patterns - Where are you giving 1000% to someone who hasn't asked for it?
Do ONE thing just for yourself today - Something that serves your soul, not your to-do list or anyone else's needs
Start talking to yourself like your own best friend - Notice when shame and blame creep in and practice self-compassion instead
Join the Healing Girl Gang community - Surround yourself with other girlies who are committed to healing their anxious attachment patterns

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

[0:27] The sneaky sign of anxious attachment that starts way earlier than you think
[1:04] Why overthinking texts and spiraling over response times are just symptoms
[4:21] The ring dance story that changed everything about how I see relationships
[6:35] How Disney movies and romance novels programmed us for self-abandonment
[9:45] What self-abandonment really looks like (and why it destroys relationships)
[13:55] The mindset shift that took me from anxious to secure: "I come first"
[15:59] Your action step to start building the self-trust muscle today

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