Are you white-knuckling through the good times, holding everything in until you explode? Do you tell yourself "it's not a big deal" when it actually IS a big deal? Girl, your self-silencing is sabotaging your relationships—and I'm here to help you break the cycle! 💕

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Why Self-Expression Feels So Scary (Especially for High-Achievers)

Let me start with a confession that's going to make you feel SO much better about your own journey. I literally got a bowl cut in elementary school because I had a crush on Nicholas Curado and thought if we had the same haircut, he'd like me. 🙈 Yes, you read that right—I thought matching hairstyles was the key to love!

But here's the thing, gorgeous—that story isn't just about a questionable hair choice. It's about how early we learn that being ourselves isn't enough. We start believing we need to mold ourselves into what we think others want.

If you're a high-achieving woman who went to private school, had strict rules, or grew up in a household where "following the rules" was everything, you probably learned that self-expression was risky. Maybe you literally wore uniforms (like I did until 9th grade!) or maybe your family had unspoken rules about what was "okay" to express.

The result? You became really good at keeping the peace, but terrible at showing your authentic self. Sound familiar? 🤩

The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism in Your Relationships

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago: Perfectionism is just protection in disguise. When we're being "perfect" in our relationships, we're actually rejecting connection.

Think about it—when you hold back your feelings because you want to "keep things good," what are you really doing? You're protecting yourself from potential rejection. But here's the plot twist: that protection is actually creating the disconnection you're trying to avoid!

Your partner can't fall in love with someone they don't really know. And if you're constantly filtering yourself through the lens of "what should I say" instead of "what do I actually feel," you're not giving them the chance to love the real you.

I remember so many moments with my husband Craig where I thought, "I just want to be really honest and say this scary thing." And you know what happened every single time? He fell even MORE head over heels for me. The vulnerability made him feel closer, not more distant. ✨

Why You Keep Spiraling After You Finally Speak Up

Okay, let's talk about the spiral. You know the one—you finally work up the courage to express something, and then you immediately panic about whether you said it "right" or if you've ruined everything.

The spiral happens because expressing your authentic feelings triggers your fear of rejection. Your nervous system goes into overdrive because it's interpreting vulnerability as danger.

But here's what you need to know: the spiral is less about what you said and more about your underlying fear that being yourself isn't safe. When you've spent years believing that love is conditional on being "perfect," any deviation from that feels terrifying.

The antidote? Start small and build your tolerance for being seen. Practice expressing minor preferences or feelings in low-stakes situations. Your nervous system needs evidence that authenticity doesn't equal abandonment. 💕

The Self-Expression Muscle You've Never Exercised

I realized something powerful during my three years living in an RV with Craig—I had to get really good at a capsule wardrobe, and it actually reduced my decision fatigue and anxiety! But it also made me realize how much I'd been avoiding self-expression my entire life.

From clothing to feelings, I'd been choosing the "safe" option instead of the authentic one. Self-expression is literally a muscle that needs to be exercised. If you've been playing it safe for years (or decades!), of course vulnerability feels bold and risky.

Here's what I want you to understand: that discomfort you feel when you're about to express something real? That's not a sign you shouldn't do it—it's a sign that you're growing. It's your nervous system adapting to a new way of being. 🙈

How to Express Yourself Without Losing Your Mind

Ready for the practical stuff? Here's how to start expressing your feelings without spiraling:

Start with your intention. Before you speak, get clear on why you're sharing. Are you seeking connection and understanding, or are you trying to control an outcome? The energy behind your words matters more than the actual words.

Practice the pause. When you feel that urge to either blow up or shut down, take a breath. Ask yourself: "What do I actually need right now?" Sometimes it's to be heard, sometimes it's reassurance, sometimes it's just to feel your feelings.

Remember that feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true, but it also doesn't mean it's not worth expressing. You can say, "I'm feeling insecure about X, and I know it might not be rational, but I'd love some support." 👑

The Truth About Authentic Expression in Relationships

Here's what nobody tells you about authentic expression: the more you show up as yourself, the more they fall in love with you. Not the perfect version of you, not the people-pleasing version, but the real, messy, vulnerable you.

I've seen this with countless clients. They think they need to be this polished version of themselves to keep their partner interested, but the opposite is true. Your partner wants to feel needed, trusted, and chosen to hold space for your real feelings.

When you share vulnerably, you're essentially saying, "I trust you with the tender parts of me." That creates intimacy in a way that surface-level "everything's fine" never can.

Remember: if someone can't handle your authentic feelings expressed with love and intention, they're not your person. But most of the time? They're just waiting for you to let them in. ✨

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Practice micro-expressions daily - Start with tiny authentic moments like expressing a food preference or sharing a genuine compliment
2. Identify your self-silencing patterns - Notice when you swallow your words and ask yourself what you're protecting against
3. Create a feelings vocabulary - Get specific about what you're experiencing instead of defaulting to "fine" or "stressed"
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies learning to use their voice authentically

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:06] Why self-silencing is sabotaging your relationships and keeping you stuck
• [2:32] The Catholic school uniform story and how it shaped my self-expression issues
• [9:09] Why perfectionism is just protection in disguise (and how it backfires)
• [14:17] The difference between performative confidence and authentic vulnerability
• [17:30] How to express feelings without spiraling into overthinking mode
• [20:24] Real coaching example of communication breakdown and repair
• [23:01] Why ignoring problems never works (the cut analogy that'll make you think)

Related Posts You'll Love:

• How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
• Why You Keep Overexplaining (and Still Feel Misunderstood)
• How To Stop Needing Constant Reassurance in Your Relationship
• 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫