You know the drill—when your partner's being distant, you put on your "cool girl" mask and act like nothing's wrong. But deep down? You're spiraling, overthinking every interaction, and that fake unbothered energy is making everything worse. Girl, it's time we talked about why this strategy is sabotaging your relationships! 💕

Ready to Ditch the Relationship Anxiety For Good?

Honey, if you're DONE with the constant overthinking and ready to feel secure AF in your relationships, I've got you covered! Check out these game-changing resources:

💖 Healing Girl Gang: Your new sisterhood of support - JOIN NOW

💥 The Confidence Code: My signature program to heal anxious attachment from the inside out - TRANSFORM YOUR LOVE LIFE

🚀 Self-Sabotage Slay-Over: Stop getting in your own way - CLAIM YOUR POWER

💎 VIP 1:1 Coaching: Personalized support just for you - BOOK YOUR SESSION

Let's Keep This Healing Party Going! 🎉

• 📺 YouTube: Subscribe for Weekly Inspo
• 📸 Instagram: Join the Healing Fam
• 🎥 TikTok: More Healing Goodness

Your most secure, confident self is waiting. Let's make it happen, bb! 💜

The "Cool Girl" Trap That's Ruining Your Relationships

Let me paint you a picture, gorgeous. You're dating someone amazing, but when they don't text back immediately or seem a little distant, what do you do? If you're like most anxious girlies (myself included!), you probably slip into "unbothered mode."

You tell yourself things like:

• "I'm so chill and low maintenance"
• "No big deal, I'll just stay busy"
• "I don't want to seem needy"

But here's the tea ☕—acting unbothered when you're actually bothered AF is just another form of people-pleasing. And honey, it's not working!

I used to be the QUEEN of this. I remember dating this football coach who worked insane hours and would bounce at bars on weekends for extra money. Did I ever say anything? Hell no! I made it my mission to be the "cool girlfriend" who never complained. But underneath that facade, I was a hot mess of insecurity and anxiety.

Why Your "Busy Girl" Defense Mechanism Is Failing You

When we can't handle our emotions, we often default to staying busy as a distraction. Sound familiar? 🙈

I used to LOVE looking at my packed calendar—calls, meetings, social events. It made me feel important and gave me an excuse to avoid dealing with my relationship anxiety. But here's what I learned the hard way: busyness is just another way to avoid intimacy with yourself.

Eventually, you get exhausted from all that activity. And when you finally stop moving long enough to breathe? All those suppressed feelings come flooding back, usually when you're lying in bed at night, spiraling about your relationship.

The problem isn't being busy—it's using busyness as an emotional avoidance strategy. You're literally running from your own feelings!

The Authenticity Crisis: When "Acting" Becomes Your Identity

Here's where things get really messy, boo. When you're constantly acting unbothered, you lose touch with who you actually are. I became so good at this performance that I forgot what I actually wanted and needed in relationships.

Acting unbothered is exactly that—an act. And your nervous system KNOWS it's fake, even if your conscious mind is trying to convince you otherwise.

This disconnect creates what I call an "authenticity crisis." You're:

• Saying yes when you mean no
• Pretending you're fine when you're not
• Avoiding difficult conversations
• Becoming someone you don't even recognize

No wonder your relationships feel surface-level! How can someone truly know and love you when you're not even being yourself? ✨

The Self-Revelation Practice That Changed Everything

After years of this exhausting performance, I discovered something revolutionary: sharing is caring (yes, like the Care Bears, and no, I'm not embarrassed about this reference! 🤩).

Instead of waiting until I was completely overwhelmed and word-vomiting all my feelings at once, I started practicing what I call "self-revelation." This means:

Sharing your authentic emotions as they come up, not bottling them up until you explode. It's about being vulnerable from a place of wholeness, not desperation.

For example, instead of acting like you don't care when your partner works late again, you might say: "Hey babe, I know your work is important, and I'm feeling a little disconnected from you lately. Can we plan some quality time together this weekend?"

See the difference? You're being honest about your needs without being accusatory or dramatic.

Breaking the Cycle: From Fake Unbothered to Genuinely Secure

The goal isn't to become someone who truly doesn't care (that's just avoidant attachment, gorgeous). The goal is to become someone who can stay regulated and authentic regardless of what your partner is doing.

Here's how this transformation looks:

• Before: Pretending you don't care when they're distant
• After: Feeling secure in yourself regardless of their mood
• Before: Filling your calendar to avoid feelings
• After: Creating space for both activity and emotional processing
• Before: Waiting until you're overwhelmed to communicate
• After: Sharing your feelings regularly and calmly

This shift happened for me when I stopped trying to control my partner's behavior and started focusing on my own emotional regulation. You can't fake your way to security, but you can heal your way there. 👑

Why Your Nervous System Knows You're Faking It

Here's something most people don't talk about: your body keeps the score, even when your mind is trying to play it cool.

When you're acting unbothered while feeling anxious inside, you're creating internal conflict. Your nervous system is getting mixed signals:

• Your thoughts are saying "I'm fine"
• Your body is feeling "I'm not safe"

This disconnect actually increases your anxiety over time. It's like trying to drive with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake—you're going to burn out your engine!

The solution? Start honoring what your body is telling you instead of overriding it with fake positivity. Your feelings are information, not problems to be solved.

The Surrender vs. Strategy Approach to Healing

If you're reading this thinking "okay Clare, but HOW do I stop acting unbothered?" I get it. Your achiever brain wants a step-by-step strategy, right?

But here's the plot twist: this isn't about working harder or finding a better strategy. It's about surrender. It's about releasing the need to control how you're perceived and instead focusing on authentic self-expression.

This means:

• Accepting that being vulnerable might feel scary at first
• Trusting that the right person will appreciate your authenticity
• Letting go of the need to be "perfect" or "low maintenance"
• Embracing the messy, beautiful reality of being human

Remember, gorgeous: the people who are meant for you will love your realness, not your performance. And the ones who don't? They're not your people anyway! 💕

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Notice when you're performing instead of being authentic - Start catching yourself in "cool girl" mode and gently ask: "What am I really feeling right now?"
2. Practice micro-moments of vulnerability - Share one small, authentic feeling with your partner each day instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed
3. Create space for emotional processing - Schedule time to actually feel your feelings instead of staying busy to avoid them
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies who get it - because healing happens in community, not isolation! 👯‍♀️

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:14] Why acting unbothered was Clare's "jam" and how it backfired in relationships
• [2:05] The story of the football coach relationship and people-pleasing through "cool girl" behavior
• [4:47] How using busyness as a defense mechanism leads to burnout and anxiety
• [6:18] Why acting unbothered is actually being fake and inauthentic
• [7:27] The self-revelation practice that transforms relationships
• [10:07] Why you can't "steal from a thief" - how coaches can spot the act immediately
• [18:33] The surrender vs. strategy approach to healing anxious attachment

Related Posts You'll Love:

• How to Stop Self-Silencing and Express Your Feelings (Without Drama)
• 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)
• How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
• How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫