Healing Anxious Attachment

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How to NOT Be Disappointed on Valentine's Day (Anxious Girlies)

anxious-attachment-healing attachment-style emotional-security holiday-relationship-stress relationship-expectations secure-attachment-communication valentines-day-anxiety Jul 25, 2025

Are you already overthinking what he's going to do for Valentine's Day? Spiraling about whether his gift will prove he loves you? Creating all-or-nothing expectations that are setting you up for heartbreak? Girl, your anxious attachment is about to ruin another holiday—but I'm here to help you heal it! 💕

Why Valentine's Day Triggers Your Anxious Attachment (& It's Not What You Think)

Helloooo gorgeous! 👋🏽 If you're an anxious girly who's already spinning about Valentine's Day expectations, you are SO in the right place. Today, I'm spilling ALL the tea on why this Hallmark holiday sends us into overdrive and—more importantly—how to actually enjoy it without the emotional spiral.

Let me start with some tough love: please do not make Valentine's Day a big deal. I know, I know—but hear me out!

This whole holiday is literally made up by greeting card companies, and yet we're out here treating it like the ultimate relationship test. But here's what's really happening when you put all your relationship security eggs in the Valentine's basket—you're setting yourself up for disappointment, bb. 🙈

I learned this the hard way back in sixth grade (yes, I'm aging myself here!). I had this MASSIVE crush on this boy—we're talking years-long obsession from fifth grade through eighth grade. I finally got the courage to ask him to be my Valentine. I even used my mom's typewriter (told you I was aging myself!) to type out this sweet note on red construction paper.

And guess what happened? He totally rejected me! Said some other girl Elizabeth was already his Valentine. I felt so embarrassed and rejected, especially since it was a small class and I had to see him every single day after that vulnerable moment. That's when I learned that one moment, one day, one exchange doesn't determine everything about your worth or your relationship.

The All-or-Nothing Trap That's Sabotaging Your Love Life

Here's the real problem with Valentine's Day expectations: we fall into all-or-nothing thinking that makes this one day the make-or-break moment for our entire relationship. 💣

When you're thinking, "If he really loves me, he'll do XYZ for Valentine's Day," you're actually setting up a test that's impossible to pass. You're putting all your relationship security on one moment instead of recognizing that healthy relationships are built moment after moment after moment.

This black-and-white thinking is what keeps us stuck in anxious attachment patterns. We're looking for one grand gesture to prove everything instead of appreciating the daily ways our partner shows up.

Does this sound familiar?

"If he doesn't plan something special, he doesn't really care"
"The gift will show me how much I mean to him"
"This will prove whether we have a future or not"

Girl, that mindset itself is the setup for disappointment! You're already priming yourself to fail before the day even begins.

Your Expectations vs. Reality Check (The Tea You Need to Hear)

Let's talk about the elephant in the room: your expectations. I'll be real with you—I truly don't have any expectations for Valentine's Day anymore. But let me share a funny story about the ONE thing I did ask for this year.

My husband made me a handwritten Hello Kitty Valentine on our very first Valentine's Day together (yes, you read that right—Hello Kitty!). I didn't realize he had hand-drawn it just for me, so I jokingly asked if he traced it. Well, hunny, I totally traumatized the man! He got so hurt that he hasn't done anything handwritten for me since. 🤦🏽‍♀️

So this year, I specifically asked him for another hand-drawn Hello Kitty Valentine as a little healing exercise for both of us. But here's the key: I communicated what I wanted instead of expecting him to read my mind.

This is where so many of us mess up—we want our partners to just "know" what we like without ever telling them. Remember the five love languages? Not everyone expresses love the same way!

My sister is an amazing gift-giver. My mom? Absolutely terrible at gifts (love you, Mom!). People have different strengths, and that doesn't make them wrong—just different.

The Difference Between Testing and Loving (This Will Change Everything)

Here's the real tea: when we create these Valentine's Day expectations, we're actually testing our partners instead of loving them.

Testing says: "You have to act a certain way for me to accept you or love you." Love says: "I accept you as you are and am open to how you naturally express yourself."

This is the difference between attachment (which grasps and demands) and true love (which is accepting and understanding). When we're grasping for proof through Valentine's Day gestures, we're coming from a place of fear, not love.

I see this all the time with my clients in The Confidence Code—we think we're being loving when we're actually being conditional. We're saying, "I'll feel secure IF you do this perfectly," instead of building that security from within.

Why Your Partner's Expression Might Look Different (And That's OK!)

Remember that everyone has different ways of expressing themselves, gorgeous! 🌟

I'm an extrovert (shocking, I know! 🤩), and my husband is more introverted. We literally have completely different ways of expressing our feelings, communication styles, and emotional languages. Neither is right or wrong—we're just different.

Being willing to see how you're different without making the other person wrong is a crucial relationship skill. When Valentine's Day doesn't look exactly like your Pinterest board, it doesn't mean he doesn't care—it might just mean he expresses love differently than you do.

This is where self-trust becomes so important. When you're secure in yourself and your worth, you can appreciate different expressions of love instead of needing them to fit your exact specifications.

Expectations vs. Desires: The Game-Changer You've Been Missing

Let me blow your mind with this distinction: expectations are very different from desires.

It's totally healthy to desire connection, intimacy, vulnerability, and special moments with your partner. Desires are open and expansive—they leave room for possibilities you haven't even imagined yet! ✨

But expectations? They're limiting and contracting. They say, "If it doesn't look EXACTLY like this, then it's not good enough." Expectations set up a pass/fail system where your partner is automatically wrong if they don't meet your specific criteria.

Can you feel the difference in energy between:

"I desire to feel loved and celebrated" (open, expansive)
"He must spend X amount and plan Y activity or he doesn't love me" (closed, limiting)

When you focus on desires instead of expectations, you create space for your partner to surprise you in ways that might be even better than what you imagined!

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

Check your expectations and see where you might be testing instead of loving
Communicate your desires instead of expecting mind-reading (they're not psychic, hunny!)
Practice staying open to different expressions of love and care
Give yourself the love you're seeking from someone else—you're the foundation, bb! 💕

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

[0:06] Why you're probably already overthinking Valentine's Day (and need to stop!)
[1:04] The harsh truth about Valentine's Day being a made-up Hallmark holiday
[2:27] Claire's traumatic sixth-grade Valentine's rejection story (it's relatable AF)
[4:16] How all-or-nothing thinking sets you up for relationship failure
[6:07] The Hello Kitty Valentine story that will make you cry-laugh
[8:05] Why testing your partner through holidays backfires every time
[10:55] The crucial difference between expectations and desires (game-changer!)

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