Healing Anxious Attachment

For high-achieving women who crush it everywhere except love. Discover how to stop overthinking, trust your intuition, and build the secure relationship you've always wanted—without dimming your shine.

How to Communicate Your Needs (Without Making These 3 Fatal Mistakes)

anxious-attachment-healing expressing-needs-without-drama how-to-communicate-needs relationship-boundaries-setting relationship-communication-guide secure-attachment-communication Jul 21, 2025

Are you constantly feeling misunderstood in your relationship? Saying the "right" things but nothing's changing? Getting frustrated when your partner just doesn't seem to GET what you need? Babe, you're probably making one of these three communication mistakes—and I'm about to spill ALL the tea on how to fix them! 💕

Ready to Ditch the Relationship Anxiety For Good?

Honey, if you're DONE with the constant overthinking and ready to feel secure AF in your relationships, I've got you covered! Check out these game-changing resources:

💖 Healing Girl Gang: Your new sisterhood of support - JOIN NOW

💥 The Confidence Code: My signature program to heal anxious attachment from the inside out - TRANSFORM YOUR LOVE LIFE

🚀 Self-Sabotage Slay-Over: Stop getting in your own way - CLAIM YOUR POWER

💎 VIP 1:1 Coaching: Personalized support just for you - BOOK YOUR SESSION

Let's Keep This Healing Party Going! 🎉

📺 YouTube: Subscribe for Weekly Inspo
📸 Instagram: Join the Healing Fam
🎥 TikTok: More Healing Goodness

Your most secure, confident self is waiting. Let's make it happen, bb! 💜

The Real Reason Your Communication Isn't Working

Listen gorgeous, if you're reading this, you've probably been in that frustrating cycle where you're trying to communicate your needs but it feels like you're speaking different languages. 🙈 I get it SO deeply because I've been there—spinning my wheels, getting more and more frustrated with my partner (and myself!), wondering why nothing was changing.

Here's the tea: most of us learned how to communicate our needs in ways that actually sabotage the very connection we're trying to create. And hunny, if you're a high-achieving anxious girly, you're probably making these mistakes without even realizing it!

I literally had this lightbulb moment recently with my own husband around our travel situation (we live full-time in an RV, which is amazing but also creates some logistical challenges). I realized I was making ALL three of these mistakes and then wondering why I felt so resentful and unheard. The moment I shifted how I was communicating? Everything changed. ✨

Mistake #1: You're Making Mind-Reading Assumptions

Oh babe, this one is HUGE and I see it everywhere! 🤦🏽‍♀️ You think you're being clear about your needs, but you're actually just dropping hints and expecting your partner to connect the dots.

I used to do this ALL the time—creating these unconscious "tests" for my partner to see if he could just read my mind. In my head, I was like "I told him what I needed!" but in reality, I was being vague AF about my actual desires, timing, and what was truly important to me.

Here's what this looks like in real life:

Saying "I need more quality time" instead of "I'd love for us to have one uninterrupted hour together every evening"
Complaining "you never help" instead of asking "could you take care of dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays?"
Getting upset they didn't plan something special instead of saying "I'd love to celebrate our anniversary with a nice dinner out"

The reality check: People aren't mind readers, gorgeous! If we assume, we can make an ass out of you and me (sorry, had to! 😂). Your partner loves you, but they can't read your freaking mind—and honestly, expecting them to is setting both of you up for failure.

Mistake #2: Thinking Your Needs Trump Everyone Else's

Okay babe, I'm going to get real with you here because I love you too much to let this slide. 💕 Sometimes we get so focused on OUR needs that we forget our partner is also a whole human with their own valid needs.

This is especially common for us anxiously attached girlies—we might say things like "I NEED you to text me 15 times a day" or "I NEED constant reassurance" without considering how that impacts our partner or our own life.

I have a client (hi babe, you know who you are!) who's six years into her relationship and just realized she's been waiting by the phone for constant check-ins instead of living her actual life. She's my age and has said no to experiences because she was waiting for that next text or call. Hunny, NO! 🚫

Your life is happening RIGHT NOW. Don't spend it waiting for someone else to make you feel secure—that's an inside job, gorgeous.

Mistake #3: Communicating from a Charged, Unregulated Place

This one is everything, babe! 🔥 You might be saying all the "right" words, but if you haven't done your own emotional work first, that energy underneath is going to sabotage everything.

Think about the difference between these two energies:

"Are you hungry?" (said with love and genuine care)
"Are you hungry?" (said with irritation and underlying frustration)

Same words, completely different vibe! Your partner can feel and smell that charge from a mile away, even if you think you're playing it cool.

Calm and regulated doesn't mean indifferent or shut down—it means you've processed your feelings, you have observational awareness, and you're feeling internally complete before you enter that conversation.

The Game-Changer: Stay Open, Not Rigid

Here's your hot tip, gorgeous: developing emotional flexibility is everything when it comes to communicating your needs effectively. 👑

When you go into a conversation with rigid expectations about exactly how things need to go and when, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. When force meets rigidity, you'll either bend or break—and neither feels good!

This doesn't mean being a pushover (absolutely not!), but it does mean approaching conversations with curiosity instead of demands. It's about creating space for collaboration rather than issuing ultimatums.

How to Actually Communicate Your Needs Like a Secure Queen

Ready for the real magic formula? Here's how to communicate your needs in a way that actually creates MORE connection:

Get clear first: Before the conversation, get crystal clear on what you actually need (not just what you think you need). Are you asking for a specific action, more connection, or just to be heard?

Check your energy: Take time to regulate your nervous system first. Feel your feelings, process them, and then come to the conversation from a grounded place.

Be specific and collaborative: Instead of "you never..." try "I'd love if we could..." Include timing, frequency, and what success looks like to you.

Remember it's about US: Frame it as a team problem to solve together, not something your partner is doing TO you.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

Practice the pause - Next time you want to communicate a need, take 24 hours to get clear on what you actually want and check your emotional state first
Get specific about your needs - Write down 3 needs you have in your relationship and get super clear about what they actually look like in practice
Check your assumptions - Notice when you're expecting mind-reading and practice being more direct and clear
Join the Healing Girl Gang - Surround yourself with other gorgeous humans who are also learning to communicate from a secure place

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

[0:04] Common communication mistakes that keep you feeling misunderstood
[4:22] Why making assumptions creates unconscious "tests" for your partner
[6:28] The trap of thinking your needs are more important than your partner's
[8:39] Real example of unhealthy reassurance-seeking patterns
[10:37] Why communicating from a charged place always backfires
[11:40] The energy behind your words matters more than the actual words
[13:07] How to stay open and flexible when communicating needs

Join Your Healing Sisterhood!

The Healing Girl Gang is where overthinking dies, self-trust thrives, and high-achieving women like you transform relationship anxiety into unshakeable confidence—all while being cheered on by girlies who just get it.

Join the Sisterhood