Healing Anxious Attachment

For high-achieving women who crush it everywhere except love. Discover how to stop overthinking, trust your intuition, and build the secure relationship you've always wanted—without dimming your shine.

What's a 'Healthy Amount' of Communication in Relationships?

anxious-attachment-patterns attachment-styles-communication communication-overthinking dating-communication-tips healthy-communication-habits relationship-communication-anxiety relationship-frequency Aug 06, 2025

Are you constantly wondering if you're texting too much or too little? Analyzing every response time and second-guessing your communication style? Gorgeous, this question runs SO much deeper than you think—and I'm about to blow your mind with what's really going on! 💕

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What "Healthy" Communication Really Means (Plot Twist!)

Let me start with a truth bomb that's gonna make you rethink everything: what feels good in the moment isn't always what's healthy for you long-term. 💣

Think about it like this—if you're used to eating McDonald's every day and someone puts a healthy salad in front of you, that salad might not taste good initially, but it's obviously better for your body, right?

I learned this the hard way back in my anxiously attached dating days. I used to date guys who were AMAZING at texting—good morning texts, constant check-ins, all-day conversations. In my mind, I thought "this is healthy communication!" because it felt so good to get that constant validation.

But here's the kicker: when it came to actually spending time together in person, these same guys treated me like absolute garbage. 🙈 I remember bringing one of these "great texters" to a wedding (six-foot, six-pack, six-figure jaw—the whole package), and I literally watched him text other women while we were on the trip together!

The reality? They were probably sending those same "good morning babe" texts to five other women. What I thought was healthy communication was actually just shallow, surface-level interaction that fed an unhealed part of me.

Why Your Communication Standards Are All Wrong

Here's what I want you to understand: healthy communication looks different for every single person because we're all different people with different energies! ✨

Let me give you the perfect example—my husband Craig and me. I'm a Sagittarius fire sign, extroverted, and if you've seen my social media, you KNOW I have a lot of energy. Craig is a Capricorn earth sign, introverted, and a man of few words (but when he speaks, it's powerful).

When I'm dysregulated—when my nervous system is jacked up and I'm not feeling calm in my body—I tend to ramp up my communication. I want MORE texting, MORE talking, MORE connection. But Craig? He naturally communicates less frequently, and that's not wrong—it's just different.

The problem comes when we try to make someone right and someone wrong. When you're sitting there analyzing "is this enough communication?" you're falling into that toxic black-and-white thinking that will absolutely destroy your relationships.

There's no universal "healthy amount" because what feels good for you might feel overwhelming for your partner, and what feels natural for them might feel insufficient for you. The key isn't finding the "right" amount—it's understanding your differences and working together.

Quality Over Quantity: The Game-Changer You're Missing

Gorgeous, I need you to focus on the quality of your conversations, not the quantity. 👑

When I think about those guys who were constantly texting me, sure, we were communicating a lot—but it was all surface-level garbage. "What are you doing?" "What's for dinner?" These shallow exchanges were like emotional junk food. They satisfied something in me temporarily, but they weren't actually nourishing.

Compare that to having one deep, meaningful conversation where you really drop in with someone—where you're heart-to-heart, listening deeply, and creating real intimacy. That one quality interaction is worth a hundred shallow texts.

Think about it like food again—would you rather have a five-course meal prepared by a chef, or would you rather eat junk food all day? We all know french fries taste good, but you can't live on them! 🍟

You deserve quality connection. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that frequent texting equals someone caring about you. Correlation doesn't equal causation, babe!

The Deeper Question You're Really Asking

Now here's where we get to the real tea ☕—when you're asking "what's a healthy amount of communication?" you're actually doing something way more problematic.

You're asking an external source to tell you what feels good and what's right or wrong. You're looking for validation from me, from a friend, from family—anyone but yourself.

This is classic anxious attachment behavior, and it's a slippery slope that goes DEEP. When you're constantly seeking external validation about what's "healthy," you're abandoning your own inner knowing and intuition.

Back in my anxious days, if I'm being completely honest, I could feel in my body and in my gut whether a guy actually liked me or not. But I ignored that internal wisdom because I was addicted to the pattern, the comfort zone of seeking validation from unavailable men.

The deeper question isn't about communication frequency—it's about your relationship with yourself.

Your Internal Communication Is Everything

Here's the truth that might sting a little: no amount of communication from a guy is going to be enough if your own internal dialogue with yourself is unhealthy. 💔

Let me say it again because this needs to LAND: No amount of texting, phone calls, or FaceTimes is going to make you feel good if how you talk to yourself is critical, harsh, demanding, or never-good-enough.

Be honest with yourself—how do you actually communicate internally? Is your self-talk:

Patient, kind, and gracious?
Or critical, perfectionistic, and harsh?
Accepting of your mistakes and growth?
Or demanding and never satisfied?

If you're trying to determine what's healthy communication externally but you're not communicating well with yourself internally, those energies don't match. It's like trying to charge a battery with mismatched ends—you're not going to get any power!

Your relationships are mirrors, gorgeous. They reflect back where you need to heal, and this was honestly a hard pill for me to swallow too.

Breaking the Pattern: From External Validation to Self-Trust

The real work isn't figuring out the "right" amount of communication—it's about healing your need to look outside yourself for answers about what feels good in your relationships. 🌟

When you keep asking these external validation questions, you're repeating patterns instead of repairing them. And here's the truth: we repeat what we do not repair.

If you're constantly worried about communication frequency, get curious about what pattern is being replicated here. What feels familiar about this anxiety? Where else in your life do you seek external validation instead of trusting your own knowing?

The goal is to develop such a strong, loving relationship with yourself that you naturally know what feels good and what doesn't. You trust your intuition. You communicate your needs clearly. You don't need someone else to tell you what's healthy because you can feel it in your body.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

Stop seeking external validation and start getting curious about what you actually want and need in communication
Focus on quality over quantity by having deeper, more meaningful conversations instead of surface-level check-ins
Work on your internal dialogue and notice how you communicate with yourself throughout the day
Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies who are doing this deep work too

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

[0:06] Why the question of "healthy communication" goes deeper than you think
[3:57] The McDonald's analogy and why what feels good isn't always healthy
[7:25] How being different people means different communication needs
[10:41] Quality vs quantity in relationships and why depth matters more
[13:51] The real problem with seeking external validation about what's healthy
[15:52] Why no amount of external communication can fix unhealthy self-talk
[17:29] How relationships mirror where we need to heal

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