How to Heal Your Anxious Attachment and Enter Your Soft Girl Era
Jul 21, 2025Are you constantly feeling like you're doing all the work while your partner isn't doing enough? Do fights with your partner happen like clockwork, almost on a schedule? Girl, if you're that high-achieving girly who's crushing it everywhere BUT your relationships, this is your wake-up call to heal your anxious attachment and finally enter your soft girl era! ๐
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Why High-Achieving Women Struggle to Be Soft in Relationships
Okay gorgeous, let's get real about something. If you're listening to this, you're probably that girl who has multiple careers, runs her own business in New York, or is just absolutely slaying in every area of life. But when it comes to your romantic relationships? You're struggling to feel soft and secure. ๐
Here's what I've noticed working with my high-achieving clients: there's this direct correlation between being successful and having a lot of anxiety and overthinking in relationships. You're literally wired to achieve, push, and climb - and that grit and resilience? It often comes from having to survive volatile or reactive households growing up.
The truth is, you learned to put your imaginary noise-canceling headphones on just to get your needs met as a child. And now, that same survival mechanism is showing up in your relationships as this need to constantly DO instead of just BE.
The Angry Household Connection: Why You Can't "Just Be Soft"
I saw this TikTok recently that made me cry - this beautiful girl on public transport asking "girlies who grew up in an angry household, how do you be soft? How do you be gentle?" And hunny, I FELT that in my soul. ๐
Whether it was one parent, both parents, or just a lot of family fighting and reactivity, you literally got wired for a certain frequency in your nervous system. This isn't your fault, but it IS your responsibility to heal.
Even at birth (y'all, I was watching Knocked Up and there's this scene about staying calm during labor so the baby doesn't come out stressed), we're susceptible to our environment's energy. So if you grew up with volatility, uncertainty, or even just someone going missing (like a dad who traveled for work), that affected your wiring.
But here's the good news, boo: just like we can install a new sound system in our car, we can rewire ourselves. What we don't repair, we repeat - but the opposite is also true!
The Biggest Mistake in Healing Anxious Attachment
Girl, I need you to hear this loud and clear: trying to fix your anxious attachment "in the moment" is like trying to treat a heart attack while you're having one.
Sure, we can give you some tools to help regulate in the moment (and I'm all about that self-soothing life), but that's literally just one drop in the bucket of what actually needs to happen.
Think about it - a heart attack isn't just about that moment. It's about your health leading up to it, your exercise habits, your stress levels, your diet. It's the same thing with anxious attachment episodes. When you're spiraling because they haven't texted back in 4 hours, that's not just about that text - it's about all the unhealed patterns underneath.
I used to think I could just "find the right person" and everything would get better. Spoiler alert: I found amazing people and pushed them away because I hadn't done the healing work. In fact, I saw an ex randomly pop up on my Facebook feed recently and was like "yep, I totally messed that relationship up!" ๐คทโ๏ธ
Creating Your Healing Foundation: It's Not Just About the Moment
This is where most people get it wrong, gorgeous. You cannot wing your way to secure attachment. Winging it is not a long-term solution, and unless you do something different, you're only going to repeat what you don't repair.
What actually works is creating a longer runway - more space, more cushioning - so you're not going into situations and having freakout moments. You've been diligently doing the work ahead of time.
I can tell you as someone who's been on this healing journey with my husband for eight years now (we're celebrating our anniversary this summer!), our relationship is such a 180 from where we started. I don't mess around with my self-care and nervous system regulation because I see how powerfully it's impacted our relationship.
The fights that used to happen like clockwork? They literally don't exist anymore. And this isn't about luck or finding the "right person" - it's about doing the deep repair work.
The Frequency Shift: Rewiring Your Nervous System
Here's what I want you to understand about anxious attachment healing: the repair needs to reflect the depth of how long you've been exposed to the patterns.
Your nervous system got hardwired for certain frequencies - whether that was chaos, uncertainty, or having to be "on" all the time to feel safe. But just like we can learn new languages or skills, we can literally rewire our nervous system for softness and security. โจ
This is about regulation and emotional self-soothing - but not just in crisis moments. It's about consistently creating safety in your body so your default isn't hypervigilance or that constant need to control everything in your relationship.
Entering Your Soft Girl Era: Making It a Priority
So here's the million-dollar question, babe: Are you actually making healing a priority, or are you winging it?
If you want to enter your soft girl era - where you're not constantly fighting the same fights, where you trust your partner's love, where you can receive instead of always giving - then you need to treat this healing journey with the same dedication you bring to your career.
For me, I literally don't mess around when it comes to treating my body and the repair process with attention and intention. It's become a non-negotiable priority because I've seen the results. My marriage now blows my mind every single day compared to where we were when we first started dating.
You can absolutely claim your soft girl era right now, gorgeous. It's about the recommitment, again and again, to choosing soft over reactive, trust over control, being over doing. ๐
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Stop trying to fix everything in the moment - Start building your healing foundation with consistent daily practices that regulate your nervous system
- Get honest about your healing priorities - Are you treating this like a nice-to-have or like the relationship-changing work it actually is?
- Identify your specific angry household patterns - What frequency did you get wired for, and how is it showing up in your relationships now?
- Commit to the long-term repair process - Remember, the depth of repair needs to match how long you've been living with these patterns
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:05] Welcome to healing your anxious attachment and entering your soft girl era
- [2:30] The TikTok that inspired this episode about growing up in angry households
- [5:19] How your nervous system gets literally hardwired for certain frequencies
- [8:07] Why trying to fix anxious attachment "in the moment" doesn't work long-term
- [10:25] The heart attack analogy and why winging it isn't a solution
- [12:43] How the host transformed her 8-year relationship from constant fighting to peace
- [13:03] The key question: Are you making healing a priority or just winging it?
Related Posts You'll Love:
- 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)
- 3 Reasons Your Anxious Attachment Isn't Healing
- Why You Keep Fighting the Same Fight in Your Relationship
- How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
