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Are you constantly feeling like your partner isn't trying hard enough? Do you catch yourself thinking "if they really loved me, they'd do more"? Are you frustrated because despite their decent efforts, it just never feels like enough? Girl, you might be acting from your wound—and I'm here to help you shift this pattern once and for all! 💕

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The "Not Enough" Wound in High-Achieving Women

Let's talk about one of the most common relationship patterns I see with my high-achieving clients: constantly wanting more effort from their partner, even when their partner is actually showing up pretty well! 👑

This feeling of "it's not enough" can be absolutely maddening. On one hand, you logically know your partner is doing a decent job. They're attentive, they care about you, they're not ghosting you or being outright negligent. But something inside you still feels unsatisfied, like they should be doing more, trying harder, or making you more of a priority.

Sound familiar? If you're nodding your head right now, I want you to know you're not alone. This pattern shows up for SO many high-achieving women—and there's a deeper reason why.

When we constantly crave more effort from a partner who's already showing up reasonably well, it's usually not about them at all. It's about a core wound inside us that's saying: "Nothing is ever enough, including me." This is what I call the not enough" wound, and it doesn't just affect your relationship—it can touch every area of your life. 🙈

My Personal "More, More, More" Pattern

I need to get vulnerable with you for a moment and share my own experience with this pattern, because girl, I lived this for YEARS!

In my 20s, I had three consecutive serious relationships (we're talking 2-3 years each), and with each one, I kept hearing the same thing when they eventually broke up with me: "I just feel like I'm not good enough for you, Claire. I feel like you deserve better."

The first time I heard this, I thought, "You're right! I DO deserve better! Get out!"

The second time, I thought, "Hmm, that sounds familiar..."

But by the third time, a lightbulb went off. I realized there was a common denominator in all these relationships—ME! 🤯

I was constantly pushing my partners for more, more, MORE. Nothing they did was ever enough. I was subtly (and sometimes not-so-subtly) sending the message that they were falling short, even when they were genuinely trying. I was "ragging on them," as I not-so-proudly admit.

This pattern didn't just show up in my relationships. It showed up in my career too, where I pushed myself to do more until I literally crashed and burned. At one point, I was juggling THREE different jobs simultaneously: running my own business, working as a director of enrollment for another company, AND holding a fractal leadership role elsewhere.

I was in the "more, more, more" mindset until my body literally shut down. My adrenals gave out, I had to have surgery, and I found myself completely horizontal—unable to move, unable to work, unable to do anything but reflect on how I'd gotten there.

That burnout was my wake-up call. While lying there in what I call "the ashes," I realized that my constant striving for more—from myself, from my partners, from life—wasn't serving me. It was destroying me. And it was destroying my relationships too.

3 Signs You're Acting From Your Wound (Not Reality)

So how can you tell if your desire for more effort from your partner is coming from a genuine need or from your wound? Here are three telltale signs to watch for: ✨

1. You're Being Passive-Aggressive

One major sign you're acting from your wound is passive-aggressive behavior. You know what I'm talking about—those little snarky comments, the sighs, the eye rolls, the slamming of plates or doors.

When your partner asks, "Is something wrong?" you reply with that infamous, "I'm fine" (when you're clearly not). Or you give them the cold shoulder instead of directly expressing what you need.

This happened to me just the other day with Craig! We had a small communication bump (because yes, even relationship coaches have these moments!), and I caught myself slipping into that passive-aggressive energy. But because I've done the work, I was able to recognize it in the moment and pause instead of letting the pattern play out.

2. You Get Disproportionately Frustrated Over Small Things

Another sign is when little things trigger BIG reactions. Your partner forgets to put a dish away, and suddenly you're having a full-blown argument about how they never listen to you or care about your needs.

Be radically honest with yourself here: when the dust settles after a fight, was it really about something major? Or was it about something relatively minor that touched on a deeper wound?

In the moment, these small triggers feel HUGE. Your emotions are valid! But the magnitude of your reaction compared to the actual situation is often a clue that you're acting from your wound, not from present reality.

3. You Feel Like They're "Doing It to You" on Purpose

The third sign is feeling like your partner is intentionally trying to hurt, punish, or burden you. Thoughts like "You're doing this TO ME" or "You're punishing me on purpose" start to dominate your inner narrative.

Ooof, I remember this one all too well. Just saying those words gives me a bad taste in my mouth now! 🙊

Unless you're with someone who's genuinely malicious (which is a whole different conversation), your good-hearted partner is probably NOT trying to punish or hurt you deliberately. They're just being human, making human mistakes, and having their own human reactions.

When you feel like everything they do (or don't do) is a personal attack, that's your wound talking—not reality.

The Core Wound Behind "Not Enough"

At the heart of this "I need more effort" pattern is usually a deep-seated belief that goes something like: "If I am just exactly who I am, that's not enough." 💔

This core wound often develops early in life. Maybe you were praised only for your achievements, not for who you were. Maybe you learned that love was conditional on performance. Maybe you internalized the message that you always needed to do more, be more, achieve more to be worthy of love and belonging.

Whatever the origin, this wound creates a lens through which you view not just your relationships, but your entire life. It becomes the subconscious programming running in the background, driving you to:

• Always go the extra mile (even when you're exhausted)
• Say yes when you want to say no
• Push yourself to burnout
• Never feel satisfied with what you have
• Constantly seek external validation
• Project these same expectations onto your partner

The tricky part? This wound can actually fuel incredible success in your career! Many high-achieving women have channeled this "not enough" energy into becoming absolute powerhouses professionally. But what works in the boardroom often backfires in the bedroom (and by bedroom, I mean your relationship overall!).

How to Heal the "Not Enough" Wound

So how do we heal this pattern and stop demanding more effort from our partners when they're already showing up pretty well? It starts with turning inward. 🤍

The truth is, we can't control our partners (and trying to only pushes them away). What we CAN control is how we perceive, think, feel, and respond. Here's where to start:

1. Get Radically Honest With Yourself

The first step is radical honesty. Ask yourself:

• Is my partner actually showing up reasonably well, even if it doesn't match my ideal?
• Am I focusing on what they're NOT doing rather than appreciating what they ARE doing?
• Does this pattern show up in other areas of my life? (Career, friendships, etc.)
• What would be "enough" for me? Can I clearly define it, or is it a moving target?

This level of honesty isn't always comfortable, but it's necessary. For me, it took being completely horizontal after burnout to finally get real with myself. You don't have to wait for such a dramatic wake-up call!

2. Identify Your Inner Narrative

Next, tune into your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself about your partner's efforts? About yourself? About what you deserve?

Common narratives include:

• "If they really loved me, they would know what I need without me having to ask"
• "I always give 110%, why can't they do the same?"
• "I need to push harder to get what I want"
• "It's never enough"
• "I have to do everything myself"

Once you identify these thought patterns, you can begin to question and reframe them.

3. Feel Your Feelings Without Acting From Them

This is a big one! When you feel that familiar frustration rising—that sense that your partner should be doing more—pause before you react.

Feel the emotion fully, but don't immediately act from it. Ask yourself: "Is this present reality, or is this my wound speaking?"

This creates a crucial space between trigger and response where healing can begin to happen.

4. Express Needs Clearly Without Criticism

There's nothing wrong with having needs and expressing them! The issue arises when we express those needs from our wound—with criticism, comparison, contempt, or demands.

Learning to communicate needs clearly and lovingly (without the passive-aggressive undertone) is a skill we're diving into deeply in the Healing Girl Gang this March. It's all about how to express what you need without coming across as needy, nagging, or critical.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Practice radical self-awareness when you feel the "it's not enough" thoughts arising about your partner's efforts
2. Notice where else this pattern shows up in your life—career, friendships, how you treat yourself
3. Start a "partner appreciation" practice where you intentionally focus on what they ARE doing right
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for our March training on how to communicate needs without being needy! 💖

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:00] Introduction to wanting more effort from a partner who's already showing up well
• [0:53] Who this episode is for—high-achieving women with good partners who still want more
• [2:34] Claire shares her pattern of pushing partners until they couldn't measure up
• [4:15] The wake-up call of hearing "I'm not good enough for you" from three different partners
• [7:01] How the "more" pattern appears in career and leads to burnout
• [12:58] Sign #1 you're acting from your wound: passive-aggressive behavior
• [14:25] Sign #2: Getting disproportionately frustrated over small things
• [15:07] Sign #3: Feeling like your partner is "doing it to you" on purpose
• [16:53] The core wound behind wanting more—believing you're not enough as you are
• [19:36] How to heal and communicate needs without criticism

Related Posts You'll Love:

• How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
• Spot Hyper Independence Triggers in Your Relationship
• 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)
• Feeling Like You're Doing All the Work in Your Relationship? Here's Why
• Stopping the Systemic Self Sabotage and Relationship Anxiety

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫