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 Are you the queen of "I'll just do it myself"? Do you pride yourself on never needing help, yet secretly crave deep connection? Do you excel at work but find yourself keeping your relationship anxiety hidden from everyone? Girl, you're caught in the hyper-independence paradox—and I'm here to help you break free from this sneaky form of anxious attachment! 💕

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The Hidden Side of Anxious Attachment: Hyper-Independence

When we talk about anxious attachment, most people immediately think of clinginess, neediness, and constant reassurance-seeking. But there's another side to this coin that doesn't get nearly enough attention—hyper-independence! 🙈

This is especially common among high-achieving women who are absolutely crushing it in their careers. You've got the letters behind your name, you're climbing that corporate ladder, or you've built your business from the ground up. Everyone around you sees this confident, self-sufficient badass who has it all together.

But here's the paradox that's driving you crazy: deep down, you desperately want connection, but you've trained yourself to reject it before it can reject you. You want someone to be there for you, but you'd rather die than admit you need help. It's like you're constantly saying, "I don't need anyone... but I kind of want to." ✨

How I Discovered My Own Hyper-Independence Pattern

Let me get vulnerable with you for a moment. I recently had a massive breakthrough about my own hyper-independence during a spiritual retreat with Craig. We stayed with a friend, and I was trying SO hard to be the perfect guest—clean up immediately, leave zero trace, take up minimal space. 👑

When my friend pointed this out, saying "Claire, you can take up space!" I had this profound realization. Even though I'd been working on my anxious attachment for years, this sneaky form of self-protection was still running in the background!

One night, I left my plate out after a snack (gasp!), and my friend was literally celebrating this tiny act of imperfection. She was like, "I'm so proud of you for leaving your plate out!" And I was like, "OMG, I didn't mean to!"

This might sound silly, but for someone with hyper-independence patterns, allowing yourself to be imperfect, to need things, to take up space—these are HUGE steps toward authentic connection. And I wouldn't have seen this pattern without someone who knows me well pointing it out. That's the power of community and support on this healing journey! 🤩

The Three Hidden Barriers of Hyper-Independence

If you're resonating with this hyper-independence thing, let's dig into the three major barriers that are keeping you stuck in this pattern—and how to break through them!

1. The Blind Spots You Don't Know You Have

Just like every car has a blind spot (even convertibles—we can't turn our heads like owls!), we all have relationship blind spots that we simply cannot see without help. 🚗

For hyper-independent girlies, the biggest blind spot is often not recognizing how your "I'll do it myself" attitude is actually pushing people away. You might think you're being self-sufficient and easy to be around, but what you're actually communicating is "I don't need you"—which creates emotional distance in relationships.

This creates a frustrating clash: you desperately want to be needed and have your needs met, but opening up to vulnerability feels way too scary. So instead, you keep doing everything yourself while secretly resenting that no one's there for you!

2. Fear-Based Rejection Patterns

The second barrier is what I call fear-based rejection patterns. This is when you logically say you want connection and intimacy, but your fear subconsciously rejects it before anyone else can reject you. 😮‍💨

This might look like:

• Testing your partner to see if they can "read your mind" (spoiler: they can't!)
• Making sweeping generalizations like "there are no good men in this city"
• Self-sabotaging just when things are going well
• Keeping people at arm's length "just in case"

The frustrating part? You're rejecting the very thing you want most—true connection—because your fear is running the show instead of your authentic desires.

3. Trigger Recognition Without Root Healing

The third barrier is being able to recognize your triggers but not healing them at the root. This is like pulling just the top of a dandelion off—it looks gone for a moment, but it's going to grow right back! 🌱

Many of us can identify when we're triggered ("I'm spiraling because he didn't text back"), but we don't know how to:

• Understand the buildup that led to the trigger
• Heal the root cause of why this particular thing triggers us
• Interrupt the pattern that keeps us cycling through the same reactions

Without addressing all three of these components, you'll keep playing out the same hyper-independence patterns in every relationship—romantic or otherwise.

How Hyper-Independence Shows Up in All Areas of Life

One thing I've noticed with my clients (and myself!) is that this hyper-independence pattern doesn't just show up in romantic relationships—it infects all areas of your life! 💼

In my previous role as a director of enrollment for a multi-million dollar coaching business, I would constantly overwork, overcommit, and say yes to everything to prove my worth. Classic hyper-independence!

As I built and managed a team of 15+ women, I'd often fall back on "I'll just do it myself" when things weren't happening as quickly or perfectly as I wanted. Sound familiar?

This same pattern shows up in how we relate to:

• Money ("I need to make it all myself")
• Team members ("They won't do it right")
• Friends ("I don't want to burden them")
• Family ("I don't need their help")

The common theme? A deep-seated fear that if you rely on others, they'll let you down—so better to just do everything yourself and avoid the disappointment!

Breaking the Hyper-Independence Cycle

So how do we actually break this cycle? It starts with interrupting the pattern through aligned action—not just any action, but the right actions that directly address your specific hyper-independence patterns. 🔄

Remember, just throwing spaghetti at the wall (listening to podcasts, reading self-help books, doing random exercises) might help temporarily, but without a structured process and accountability, you'll keep sliding back into those same patterns.

The key is finding support from people who understand this journey. That's why I created the Healing Girl Gang—because information without application and accountability is just mental clutter!

When I work with my clients in The Confidence Code, we focus on creating personalized strategies to:

• Identify your specific hyper-independence patterns
• Understand the root causes (which are different for everyone!)
• Practice intentional vulnerability in safe spaces
• Build the muscle of interdependence gradually
• Create new neural pathways that make connection feel safe

Remember, healing hyper-independence doesn't mean becoming dependent—it means finding that beautiful middle ground of healthy interdependence where you can both give AND receive. That's the true definition of security in relationships! ✨

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Notice your "I'll do it myself" moments throughout your day and get curious about what need you're not expressing
2. Practice asking for small things even when you could do them yourself (this builds your vulnerability muscle!)
3. Identify one relationship where you could allow yourself to take up more space and be less "perfect"
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other high-achieving women working through the same patterns 💖

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:00] Introduction to hyper-independence as a hidden form of anxious attachment
• [0:57] Who this episode is for—high achievers who are successful in career but anxious in relationships
• [1:59] Claire shares her recent breakthrough with hyper-independence at a spiritual retreat
• [4:04] The powerful moment of "taking up space" by leaving a plate out
• [7:46] The three barriers of hyper-independence that keep you stuck
• [9:56] How fear-based rejection patterns sabotage your relationships
• [11:28] Why recognizing triggers isn't enough without healing the root cause
• [12:35] How hyper-independence shows up in career and team management
• [14:28] The importance of pattern interruption through aligned action
• [19:20] Mailbox Q&A about breaking free from relationship cycles

Related Posts You'll Love:

• Am I Triggered or Am I Right? And How to Tell the difference!
• The Instant Fix for Anxious Attachment Triggers (That Actually Works)
• From Anxious to Engaged: How My Clients Found Secure Love
• When You Want More Effort From Your Partner (But It's Actually About You)
• How to feel Secure in your Anxious with an Avoidant Relationship Valentine's Edition!

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫