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 Are you constantly the one planning dates, keeping track of schedules, and making sure the relationship stays afloat? Do you find yourself exhausted from carrying the emotional load while your partner seems to be just coasting along? Does it feel like if you stopped putting in all this effort, everything would fall apart? Girl, I see you—and there's a reason you're stuck in this overgiving cycle! 💕

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The High-Achiever's Relationship Burden

Let's talk about something that SO many of my high-achieving clients struggle with: the feeling that they're doing ALL the work in their relationships. 👑

If you're a career-climbing, business-building, academic-powerhouse kind of woman, this pattern probably feels painfully familiar. You're used to excelling in every area of your life—setting goals, putting in the effort, and making things happen through sheer determination and hard work.

So when it comes to your relationship, you naturally apply that same achievement-oriented mindset. You're the one arranging dates, keeping their schedule in mind, saving space in your calendar for them, and putting in that A+ effort to make sure everything runs smoothly.

Your partner might be showing up decently well—they're not ghosting you or being outright neglectful—but there's this nagging feeling that if you weren't constantly steering the ship, the whole relationship would drift off course or sink entirely.

I totally get it because I lived this pattern for YEARS. I used to think, "If I don't step up, if I don't keep making the ship move, then they'll lose interest or find someone else or just stop liking me." Sound familiar? 🙈

Why You're Stuck in the "Doing Too Much" Pattern

There's a deeper reason why so many high-achieving women fall into this pattern of over giving in relationships, and it has everything to do with your relationship with yourself.

For most of us who excel professionally, we've built our identity and self-worth around DOING—achieving, succeeding, and working hard. The message we've internalized is: "I am valuable because of what I accomplish, not simply because of who I am."

When we bring this mindset into our relationships, we unconsciously believe we need to EARN love through effort, planning, and emotional labor. We think if we're not constantly proving our worth through doing, our partner won't value us. ✨

This creates what I call the "excess relationship pattern"—where you're giving, planning, and emotionally laboring at a level that's simply not sustainable. And unsurprisingly, it leaves you feeling exhausted, resentful, and underappreciated.

The truth is this pattern isn't healthy. It's excessive, and it's coming from a wound that needs healing, not from what a balanced relationship actually requires.

The Metabolic Reset Metaphor: When Healthy Feels Strange

Let me share a personal metaphor that completely transformed how I understand this relationship pattern.

I'm currently working with a nutrition coach on a metabolic reset. For years (honestly, my entire life), I've been undereating and restricting food. This created a dysfunctional relationship with my body, where even healthy eating felt abnormal. Now I'm in a process of "reverse dieting"—essentially eating more food to restore my metabolism to a healthy state. 🍽️

Here's the wild part: Eating a normal, healthy amount feels WEIRD. My pants are tighter, my body feels different, and there's a part of me that's uncomfortable with this change, even though it's actually healthier for me.

And this is EXACTLY what happens in our relationships when we start to shift from over giving to balanced giving!

When you've been doing excessive emotional labor in your relationship for a long time, scaling back to a healthy, balanced level doesn't feel "normal"—it feels strange, uncomfortable, even wrong. You worry everything will fall apart if you stop over giving.

But just like with my nutrition reset, what feels uncomfortable is actually the healthy adjustment your relationship needs.

Let me say this clearly: If you're feeling exhausted, resentful, or burnt out in your relationship, that's a sign you're giving in EXCESS. That's not what a healthy, secure relationship requires. It's what your wound is telling you to do.

The Telltale Signs You're Over Giving in Your Relationship

How do you know if you're truly giving in excess versus just being a good partner? Look for these key signs: 💫

1. You Feel Constantly Tired and Resentful

Healthy giving in a relationship should energize you, not deplete you. If you're constantly feeling exhausted, resentful, or like your partner isn't appreciating all your efforts, that's a major sign you're over giving.

Remember: In a secure relationship, both partners contribute in ways that feel balanced and reciprocal. You shouldn't feel like the entire relationship is on your shoulders.

2. You Can't Imagine Stepping Back

If the mere thought of not planning the next date, not managing their schedule, or not being the emotional barometer of the relationship fills you with anxiety—that's a sign your giving is coming from insecurity, not love.

You might think, "If I don't do all this, they won't care enough to pick up the slack." But this fear reveals more about your own attachment insecurities than about your partner's capabilities or commitment.

3. You Take Pride in "Handling Everything"

Many high-achieving women have turned their over giving into a badge of honor. "I'm just more organized/thoughtful/on top of things than they are," you might tell yourself.

While this might be partly true, it's also a way to justify the imbalance and avoid the vulnerability of letting your partner step up (and potentially disappoint you). It keeps you in control but prevents true partnership from developing.

4. The Relationship Dynamics Have Changed

This is a big one! Many relationships start with both partners putting in relatively equal effort. But over time, if one person consistently does more, the dynamic shifts to accommodate this imbalance.

If things "all was well and good initially" but now you feel like you're doing all the work, it's crucial to recognize that the dynamics have changed—and you have the right to renegotiate these terms rather than silently accepting the new normal.

How to Shift From Excess to Balance

So how do you actually break this pattern and create more balance in your relationship? Here are the key steps: 🤍

1. Recognize That Healthy Will Feel Weird

First, accept that scaling back your excessive giving will feel uncomfortable—even wrong—at first. Remember my metabolic reset metaphor: If you've been restricting food for years, eating normally feels excessive. The same applies here.

When you start setting boundaries, asking your partner to step up, or simply doing less, it will feel like you're not doing "enough." This is your anxious attachment talking, not reality.

2. Communicate Without Criticism

Instead of building resentment and then exploding with "I do EVERYTHING around here!" (we've all been there!), practice clear, non-judgmental communication about the imbalance.

Try: "I've noticed I've been planning all our dates lately, and I'd love for you to take the lead on our next outing. It would mean a lot to me."

This is exactly what we're focusing on in the Healing Girl Gang in March—how to communicate needs without feeling or sounding needy, critical, or desperate.

3. Be Willing to Renegotiate

Relationships are constantly evolving. What worked three months ago might not work now—and that's okay! When circumstances change (like your partner entering medical school or you starting a new business), the relationship dynamics need to change too.

High-achievers often try to stick to the original "plan" even when circumstances have dramatically changed. Instead, be willing to renegotiate expectations based on current reality, not an idealized future.

4. Hold Yourself With Compassion

Learning to hold yourself with compassion is a skill set—especially for those of us used to pushing ourselves to excellence in every area. When you feel the urge to take over and do everything "perfectly," pause and ask:

"Am I doing this from love, or from fear? Am I trying to control the outcome because I don't trust the process?"

Then hold that anxious part of yourself with kindness, not judgment.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Start a "doing less" experiment where you intentionally scale back one area of over giving in your relationship for one week
2. Notice the discomfort that arises when you're not controlling or managing everything—this is where your growth happens!
3. Practice direct requests rather than silent resentment when you need your partner to step up
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for our March training on communicating needs without being needy! 💖

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:00] Introduction to the feeling of doing all the work in your relationship
• [0:53] Who this episode is for—high-achieving women who feel like they're the only ones steering the relationship ship
• [1:57] Claire shares exciting news about her mini retreat in San Diego
• [4:02] The common pattern of high-achievers bringing their "get it done" mindset to relationships
• [5:14] Claire's personal experience of feeling exhausted from relationship over giving
• [6:15] The metabolic reset metaphor: when healthy balance feels strange and uncomfortable
• [11:36] The insight that doing all the work is actually "excessive" giving, not normal
• [14:43] Why changes in relationship dynamics require renegotiation, not pushing through
• [17:35] The telltale sign of over giving: feeling tired, exhausted, and burnt out
• [19:30] Mailbox Q&A about a relationship dynamic that changed after three months

Related Posts You'll Love:

• When You Want More Effort From Your Partner (But It's Actually About You)
• The Instant Fix for Anxious Attachment Triggers (That Actually Works)
• From Anxious to Engaged: How My Clients Found Secure Love
• Spot Hyper Independence Triggers in Your Relationship
• How to feel Secure in your Anxious with an Avoidant Relationship Valentine's Edition!

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫