Hyper Independence Is Sabotaging Your Relationships
Jul 07, 2025Are you the friend everyone calls when they need something handled? The one who's crushing it in your career but somehow can't make relationships work? Girl, your hyper independence might be your superpower AND your Achilles heel—and I'm here to help you figure out how to stop pushing love away! ๐
Ready to Ditch the Relationship Anxiety For Good?
Honey, if you're DONE with the constant overthinking and ready to feel secure AF in your relationships, I've got you covered! Check out these game-changing resources:
๐ Healing Girl Gang: Your new sisterhood of support - JOIN NOW
๐ฅ The Confidence Code: My signature program to heal anxious attachment from the inside out - TRANSFORM YOUR LOVE LIFE
๐ Self-Sabotage Slay-Over: Stop getting in your own way - CLAIM YOUR POWER
๐ VIP 1:1 Coaching: Personalized support just for you - BOOK YOUR SESSION
Let's Keep This Healing Party Going! ๐
- ๐บ YouTube: Subscribe for Weekly Inspo
- ๐ธ Instagram: Join the Healing Fam
- ๐ฅ TikTok: More Healing Goodness
Your most secure, confident self is waiting. Let's make it happen, bb! ๐
Why Your "I Don't Need Anyone" Energy Is Actually Pushing People Away
Okay gorgeous, let's get real for a hot second. ๐ If you're the type of girly who can handle literally ANYTHING life throws at you—climbing that corporate ladder, building businesses, getting all those degrees—but you're struggling to find or keep deep, meaningful relationships, this one's for you.
I see this pattern ALL the time with my clients in the Healing Girl Gang and in my programs. You're absolutely slaying it in every external area of your life, but something feels off or disconnected when it comes to romantic relationships. And here's the thing: this is totally normal!
The same energy that makes you incredible at achieving and executing? It's not working in relationships. In fact, it might be working against you. Your hyper independence—that "I got this, I don't need anyone" vibe—can actually create the exact thing you're trying to avoid: being alone.
The Truth About Hyper Independence vs. Healthy Independence
Let me be super clear here because I think everyone should have a sense of independence, boo! ๐ There's a huge difference between healthy independence and hyper independence.
Healthy independence looks like:
- Having your own goals and identity
- Being able to make decisions for yourself
- Having financial autonomy
- Maintaining friendships outside your relationship
Hyper independence looks like:
- "I don't need anyone" as a protective mechanism
- Struggling to be vulnerable or ask for help
- Pushing people away when they try to get close
- Being amazing at giving support but terrible at receiving it
I'll call myself out here—I definitely had some codependent tendencies mixed with this hyper independence (because anxious attachment is WILD like that). I was literally monkey-barring from relationship to relationship in my twenties, saying "I don't need you" while simultaneously being unable to be alone. My actions were telling a completely different story than my words! ๐คฆ๐ฝโ๏ธ
Your Relationship With Vulnerability Is Everything
Here's where it gets real, and I need you to sit with this question: Have you ever complained about attracting emotionally unavailable people?
I'm asking with so much love, but BE REAL—what's your relationship with being vulnerable? Are you actually okay sharing what you're scared about? Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings?
I used to literally tell my best friend in college that crying was for weirdos. WEIRDOS! ๐ Now my husband jokes that I'm just a crier (thanks, spiritual awakening and Disney movies). I remember watching Soul on the couch and catching myself thinking "don't cry, don't cry" and realizing how deep that programming went.
The thing is, if you're struggling with vulnerability, you're going to have surface-level relationships where you don't feel truly seen or heard. I had a client recently who opened up about some really intense stuff that had happened to her, and when I asked who she'd told about it, she said just her therapist. Not her partners. Not her close friends. No wonder she felt disconnected!
The Hyper Independence Trap: How You're Creating What You Don't Want
Here's the irony that'll blow your mind: hyper independence actually perpetuates the very thing you're trying to avoid. When you're constantly in "I don't need anyone" mode, you're literally pushing people away because you're scared of that deep intimacy and vulnerability.
Think about it—if someone doesn't need you, doesn't want to be that connected, why would they want to be with you? While hyper independence might have been a great survival strategy as a kid (maybe your parents left you to figure things out on your own), it's now a strategy that stops connection, vulnerability, and relationships from deepening.
We don't want to be alone, but we have these protective mechanisms that push people away because we're actually terrified of that deep intimacy and reliance on someone else. It's like trying to kiss someone with a helmet on—just not fun! ๐
Why High-Achievers Struggle With This the Most
If you're a high-achieving girly, there's a specific reason why this pattern shows up so strongly. You've learned that your worth comes from what you DO, not who you ARE. You've collected degrees, promotions, achievements—you're known as the "together" friend who crushes goals.
But here's the problem: you're treating love like it's transactional. You think if you just do enough, achieve enough, be perfect enough, then you'll be worthy of love. But healthy relationships? They're about interdependence, partnership, and showing up as your real, vulnerable self.
When you're hyper independent, you're essentially saying "I don't need partnership" while desperately wanting it. The mixed signals are confusing for everyone involved, including you!
How to Shift From Hyper Independence to Healthy Interdependence
The goal isn't to become dependent or lose your amazing independent streak, gorgeous. The goal is to learn how to be in healthy partnership while maintaining your sense of self.
This starts with understanding that true relationships are about vulnerability. They're about your ability to connect with yourself and others, to show what you're actually feeling and going through on the inside.
You can absolutely know that you'd be okay if your relationship ended (that's healthy!) while also allowing yourself to be vulnerable and need your partner. The difference is where it's coming from—is it coming from fear and protection, or from a place of genuine self-trust?
I love my husband, he's my person, my best friend. And I also know in my heart that if things shifted and he cheated or fell out of love with me, I'd be okay. But not in that "I don't need you" way—in a self-trusting, I-know-who-I-am way.
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Notice your "I don't need anyone" patterns and get curious about what you're actually protecting yourself from
- Practice small acts of vulnerability with safe people in your life—start sharing what you're actually feeling
- Check your relationship with receiving support and challenge yourself to ask for help in small ways
- Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies working on this exact thing
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:05] Why hyper independence shows up for high-achieving women across the board
- [1:00] The difference between being good at external life vs. struggling in relationships
- [3:10] Claire's personal story about codependency mixed with hyper independence
- [6:52] The vulnerability piece that most people miss completely
- [10:31] How hyper independence perpetuates the exact thing you don't want
- [12:26] Why "I don't need anyone" energy pushes people away
- [15:29] The healthy relationship blueprint for interdependence
Related Posts You'll Love:
- Spot Hyper Independence Triggers in Your Relationship
- 4 Anxious Attachment Mistakes High-Achievers Make (And How to Fix Them)
- How to Stop Self-Silencing and Express Your Feelings (Without Drama)
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
