The Subtle Signs You're Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
Aug 11, 2025Ever feel like you're the common denominator in your relationship problems? Like maybe you're the one creating all the drama, even when you swear you're not? Girl, if you have that little voice whispering that maybe YOU'RE the issue, you're in the right place—and honestly, that awareness is the first step to changing everything! ๐
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The Wake-Up Call: When Three Different People Say The Same Thing
Okay gorgeous, let me spill some tea about my own self-sabotage journey because WOW was it a journey! ๐ซ
In my 20s, I was the queen of serial monogamy—literally going from one serious two-year relationship to another. And by the third breakup, something absolutely CREEPY happened. All three of these guys (who didn't even know each other!) said the exact same words as we were breaking up.
They all felt like they were working so hard but it was never good enough for me. At the time, I was like "Yeah, it wasn't good enough!" But looking back? That was my self-sabotage showing up loud and clear. ๐
The real tea? I felt like I wasn't good enough, so instead of dealing with my own "not enoughness," I projected it all over my partners. I was constantly blaming them for not doing enough, not being enough—when really, I was the one who needed to do the inner work.
Have you ever noticed patterns in your relationships that feel a little too familiar? That's your first clue that some self-sabotage might be happening, boo.
Your "Picker" Might Be Broken (And That's Self-Sabotage Too)
Here's another brutal truth bomb from my dating days: a dear friend looked me straight in the eye after yet another dating disaster and said, "I think your picker is broken." ๐
I was SO offended at the time, but she was absolutely right. I had the lowest bar imaginable—literally "Are you a person with a job?" was my standard. That's it. That's the list.
This is such a subtle form of self-sabotage because I wasn't allowing myself to date people who were actually worthy of me. I was confused about what I should want, what it should feel like, and I'd literally think myself into spirals about who to date.
Confusion is actually a form of resistance! Your ego wants to keep you in familiar patterns (even bad ones) because they feel "safe." So when the universe offers you opportunities to see things differently, your ego creates confusion to keep you stuck in your comfort zone.
The Comparison Trap That Kills Relationships Before They Start
Oh honey, this one hits DEEP. ๐ฏ I spent years comparing my dating life to my sister's love story. She literally never had an official boyfriend until she met her husband at 24, and in my mind, that became the gold standard.
I started thinking every guy had to be "the one"—imagine the pressure! Even on first dates, I'm subconsciously thinking "This is it, I have to make this work" because I'd already "messed up" so many times before.
That comparison mindset created this toxic belief that I had to make every relationship work because clearly I was doing something wrong if I kept having breakups while my sister had it all figured out.
Here's what I know now: comparison is just another sneaky form of self-sabotage. It makes us think we can never have what someone else has, or that we HAVE to have exactly what they have to feel worthy.
Perfectionist Standards: The Ultimate Relationship Saboteur
Okay, I'm not proud of this next confession, but it's too important not to share! ๐
When I was in my mid-30s and "ready to find my person," I had this list: 6 foot tall, 6 figures, 6 pack abs. I called it my "three sixes" standard (not satanic, just shallow!). I would immediately dismiss anyone who didn't meet these criteria.
Perfectionism is one of the biggest forms of self-sabotage because it keeps us from connecting with actual humans. When we demand perfection, we're basically guaranteeing we'll never find real love.
Plot twist: My husband is 5'9" (and he LIED about being 5'10" when we met ๐), was a middle school math teacher making definitely NOT six figures, and definitely did not have six pack abs. If I hadn't shifted away from my perfectionist standards, I never would have given him a chance.
What "perfect" standards are you holding onto that might be keeping you from real love?
How Self-Sabotage Shows Up in Your Daily Life
Self-sabotage isn't always dramatic breakups and obvious red flags. Sometimes it's these subtle patterns:
- Resistance to good things happening in your relationship
- Overthinking every interaction until you've spiraled yourself into anxiety
- Pushing good people away when things start getting real
- Creating drama when things feel too peaceful (because chaos feels familiar)
- Projecting your insecurities onto your partner instead of dealing with them
The beautiful thing about recognizing these patterns? Awareness is literally the first step to changing them! When you can see your self-sabotage happening, you can start to interrupt it. โจ
The Self-Trust Solution That Changes Everything
Here's the real solution to stopping self-sabotage: building unshakeable self-trust. ๐
Self-sabotage and self-trust are basically opposites. When you can show up for yourself, follow through on promises to yourself, and keep the agreements you make with yourself, that inner power becomes like rocket fuel for your self-esteem.
Think about it—when you trust yourself to handle whatever comes up in your relationship, you don't need to control, perfect, or sabotage anything. You know you've got your own back no matter what happens.
Building self-trust isn't just about big promises either. It's about the small daily choices: doing what you say you'll do, honoring your boundaries, and choosing yourself consistently.
When you have rock-solid self-trust, your self-sabotage patterns naturally start dissolving. You stop needing to test your partner or create drama because you're secure in your ability to handle whatever life throws at you.
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Get honest about your patterns and look for the common denominators in your past relationships
- Check your standards and ask yourself if they're based on real compatibility or ego-driven perfectionism
- Start building self-trust by making small promises to yourself and keeping them consistently
- Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies working through their own self-sabotage patterns
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:06] Why being suspicious that you're the drama is actually a GOOD sign
- [1:25] The creepy moment when three different exes said the exact same thing
- [4:45] When her friend delivered the brutal truth: "Your picker is broken"
- [8:09] How comparison to her sister created impossible relationship pressure
- [10:14] The "three sixes" standard that almost cost her true love
- [12:42] Why self-trust is the ultimate solution to self-sabotage
- [14:24] How building self-trust eliminates the need for perfection and control
Related Posts You'll Love:
- How You're Ruining a Good Relationship with Self-Sabotage
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
- How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
- Breaking the Self-Doubt Cycle in Your Relationship
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
