Healing Anxious Attachment: The First Step That Changes Everything
Jul 15, 2025Are you constantly second-guessing whether he's going to leave you? Overthinking every interaction and feeling like you're never going to be okay unless your relationship works out? Hunny, your anxious attachment is running the show—and I'm here to help you take back control! ๐
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The Hard Truth About Healing Anxious Attachment
Let's get real for a second, gorgeous. If you're here, you've probably been doing ALL the things—therapy, hot girl walks, nervous system work—but something still isn't clicking. You're still stuck in that cycle of overthinking, still wondering if he's going to leave, still feeling like you're never going to be okay.
I see this literally every single time I talk to a new client or someone in my signature course The Confidence Code. They've done a bunch of healing work, they're in therapy, but something crucial is still missing. And today, I'm going to tell you exactly what that missing piece is.
The first step that changes everything? Taking radical self-responsibility. ๐ฅ
I know, I know—not what you wanted to hear, right? But stick with me because this is the difference between women who heal their anxious attachment and those who stay stuck in the same patterns for years.
The Two Types of People I See (And Which One Are You?)
When I look at my viral TikTok comments (yes, it's controversial and I'm here for it! ๐), I can literally tell you exactly where someone is in their healing journey based on their response.
The people who are going to struggle: They're saying things like "avoidants are the problem," "they make me anxious," "they're the issue." If this sounds like you, babe, I love you SO much and I want nothing but healing for you—but we're not going to vibe until you're ready to look in the mirror.
The people who are going to heal: They're saying "I know this person is a good person at their core, even though we have our challenges." They're willing to take personal responsibility for their part in the dynamic.
Here's what shifted everything for me: I realized that at the core, my husband (then boyfriend) was a good person. Yes, we had friction. Yes, we had different perspectives and ways of acting when triggered. But fundamentally? He was a good human being, and I was about to lose him if I didn't get my shit together. โจ
My Wake-Up Call: Three Breakups, Same Story
Let me get vulnerable with you for a hot second. Before I met my husband, I went through this phase where I was dating really great, secure men. I'm talking two to three-year relationships with genuinely wonderful guys.
But by the third breakup, I was SHOOK because all three of these men—who didn't know each other—said the exact same thing to me: "I just feel like it's never enough for you."
Three different guys. Same words.
Light bulb moment: Oh my gosh, maybe I'M the common denominator here. Maybe I'M the problem. ๐ก
That summer before I met my husband, I finally took the time to dig deep and ask myself: What does taking personal responsibility actually look like? And the moment I started doing the tangible work (which I now teach my clients), everything shifted. I met my husband literally within months.
Why "Find Someone Secure" Isn't the Answer
I tried the "sideways" healing approach, hunny. I thought, "Okay, if avoidants are the problem, I just need to find someone secure!" Seems logical, right?
Wrong. So wrong. ๐คฆ๐ฝโ๏ธ
Here's what I learned after dating multiple secure, amazing men: You can't outsource your healing. You can't find someone to make you feel secure. When you try to make your happiness and security someone else's responsibility, you're setting yourself up for failure.
It's like pointing at the gym and saying "That workout didn't work, I need to find a different one" when really, the issue isn't the gym—it's that you're not taking responsibility for showing up consistently and doing the work.
Personal Responsibility vs. Self-Blame (They're NOT the Same)
Before you spiral into shame, let me be crystal clear: personal responsibility and self-blame are completely different things.
Taking personal responsibility means:
- Getting curious about your patterns instead of defensive
- Asking "How am I contributing to this dynamic?"
- Being willing to change what you can control (yourself)
- Recognizing that you have power in this situation
Self-blame sounds like:
- "I'm terrible and toxic"
- "Everything is my fault"
- "I'm the problem and he's perfect"
See the difference? One empowers you, the other keeps you stuck. We're going for empowerment here, boo! ๐
The Ripple Effect of Taking Responsibility
Here's the mind-blowing part: When you start taking responsibility for your own healing and happiness, it impacts literally everything. Your relationships, your career, your friendships—all of it.
It's like when I look at my husband's diet (don't come for me, but this man survives on Miller Light, Red Vines, and Doritos and still has a six-pack ๐). I was healing my gut for a year, and it would have been SO easy to point the finger and say "He's sabotaging my health!" But that's not taking responsibility.
Taking responsibility means saying: "I'm going to choose to eat healthy even though I'm surrounded by people who don't." That's how you reach your goals in ANY area of life.
Your Next Steps to Radical Self-Responsibility
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Get honest about your patterns - Stop pointing fingers at your partner and start getting curious about your own behaviors and reactions.
- Practice the mirror work - Every time you want to blame them, ask "How am I contributing to this dynamic?" It's not about blame—it's about empowerment.
- Commit to your own healing - Whether it's therapy, coaching, or deep inner work, make YOUR healing the priority, not fixing them.
- Join a community of healing girlies - Connect with other women on this journey through the Healing Girl Gang who understand what you're going through.
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:06] The importance of being okay no matter what happens in your relationship
- [1:03] Why high-achieving women struggle most with anxious attachment
- [4:08] The clear difference between people who heal and those who stay stuck
- [4:58] Taking radical self-responsibility as the first crucial step
- [8:05] Claire's wake-up call after three breakups with the same feedback
- [9:32] What personal responsibility actually looks like in practice
- [11:47] Why trying to outsource your security never works
Related Posts You'll Love:
- 3 Reasons Your Anxious Attachment Isn't Healing
- How to Stop Self-Silencing and Express Your Feelings (Without Drama)
- Breaking the Self-Doubt Cycle in Your Relationship
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
