Healing Anxious Attachment

For high-achieving women who crush it everywhere except love. Discover how to stop overthinking, trust your intuition, and build the secure relationship you've always wanted—without dimming your shine.

When Your Partner Feels Distant (It's Not What You Think)

anxious-attachment-healing anxious-attachment-triggers distant-partner emotional-distance heal-relationship-anxiety-fast overthinking-relationships partner-feels-distant Aug 22, 2025

Does your stomach drop when he seems quieter than usual? Do you immediately start spiraling about what you did wrong when he doesn't text back right away? Girl, you're not alone—and what you think is happening probably isn't what's actually happening! 💕

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The Meaning-Making Machine That's Ruining Your Peace

Here's the tea, gorgeous: we are meaning-making machines. ☕ Every single thing that happens in our relationships, our brains immediately want to attach a story to it. He didn't text back for 3 hours? Must mean he's losing interest. He seemed tired when he came home? Obviously he's rethinking the whole relationship.

Sound familiar? 🙈

The thing is, we're not just making random meanings—we're using our lived experiences and past memories to assess what's happening right now. It's like our brain has this filing cabinet of "evidence" from the past, and every time something happens, it goes searching through those files to figure out what this new situation means.

But here's the plot twist: our brains are attached to OUR perceived reality, not theirs. What feels true for us might be completely different from what's actually happening for them.

Why Your Brain Loves Drama (Even When You Don't)

Let me blow your mind for a second—our brains work through association. 🧠 You know how red light means stop, banana equals food, and your ex texting "hey" equals absolute chaos? Same energy.

If in your past, someone being distant meant they were about to leave you, your brain files that away as "distance = abandonment." So now, every time your current partner seems even slightly off, your brain hits the panic button because it's like, "OH NO, I KNOW HOW THIS STORY ENDS!"

It's actually pretty genius when you think about it. Like, imagine if every time you got in your car, you had to relearn how to drive. Your brain uses these associations to keep you safe—but sometimes they keep you "safe" from things that aren't even threats.

The San Diego Story That Changed Everything

Let me tell you about the time my now-husband almost gave me a heart attack without even knowing it. 💀

We'd literally just started dating, and the morning after we met (whole different story there, boo!), he casually drops this bomb: "I'm going to San Diego for 2 weeks and I won't be on my phone."

Y'all. My anxious attachment was SCREAMING. Like, do they not have cell towers in San Diego? What kind of witness protection situation is this? 🤣

I could have made this mean EVERYTHING—that he wasn't into me, that he was just playing games, that this was his way of ghosting me without actually ghosting me. I had receipts! I had evidence! I had a whole case built!

But here's what I did instead: I didn't give those thoughts any power. I asked myself the golden question (more on this in a sec), and I just... let it be what it was.

Plot twist: Come to find out TWO YEARS LATER (we were married at this point), he was actually in San Diego looking at jobs and neighborhoods because he was planning to MOVE there. He was literally making life plans that didn't include me because we barely knew each other!

But because I didn't attach meaning to his distance, we got to build something real instead of me sabotaging it with my stories.

The Golden Question That Stops the Spiral

Ready for the game-changer? When you feel like your partner is being distant and your brain starts writing Netflix series about what it all means, ask yourself this:

"Is that true? And where is the evidence?" ✨

I'm talking court-of-law, beyond-a-reasonable-doubt kind of evidence. Not the evidence that lives in your anxious brain, but actual, factual, observable evidence.

"I think he's going to break up with me"—okay, WHERE is the evidence? Did he say that? Did he start packing his bags? Or did he just... tie his shoes in a way that seemed aggressive?

(Yes, I used to analyze shoe-tying energy. No judgment here, gorgeous! 🙈)

Your feelings are valid, but your feelings aren't necessarily facts. They're just feelings, and feelings can lie to us when they're filtered through old wounds and past experiences.

When Distance Isn't About You At All

Here's what I wish someone had told me years ago: most of the time, when someone seems distant, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Maybe they're:

Processing something at work
Dealing with family stress
Just feeling overwhelmed in general
Going through their own internal stuff
Literally just tired

I know, I know—your brain is like "but what if it IS about me??" And sure, sometimes it might be. But if you don't have actual evidence, you're just torturing yourself with stories.

The moment you stop giving those thoughts power, you stop making meaning out of things that don't have proof. And honestly? That's when everything changes.

Building Your Observational Awareness Muscle

If you want to break this cycle, you need to develop what I call observational awareness—the ability to watch your thoughts instead of being IN your thoughts. 👁️

When you can't observe your thoughts, you're just floating around in what I call "the soup"—trying to grab a potato or a carrot, but everything just feels messy and overwhelming.

Some ways to build this muscle:

Journaling (seriously, game-changer)
Presence practices
Getting curious instead of getting anxious

The goal isn't to never have these thoughts—it's to recognize them and choose whether or not to give them power.

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

Start asking "Is that true?" every time your brain creates a story about what someone's behavior means
Practice observational awareness through journaling or meditation to create space between you and your thoughts
Get curious about your associations and where your "distance = danger" programming comes from
Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies on the same journey 👯‍♀️

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

[0:13] Why we're meaning-making machines and how it affects our relationships
[2:11] How your brain works through associations (and why that matters)
[4:52] The power of not being in control vs. being in charge of your thoughts
[7:31] Claire's San Diego story and how she didn't make it mean anything
[10:28] The golden question: "Is that true and where is the evidence?"
[11:53] Why your feelings aren't necessarily facts
[12:43] How to know when you're overthinking vs. trusting your gut

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