Are you feeling like your partner is emotionally unavailable? Wondering why they can't seem to open up to you? Maybe you're attracting the same "distant" people over and over again? Girl, before you point the finger at them, I need you to get real about something that might blow your mind! 💕

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The Real Tea: You Might Be the Emotionally Unavailable One

Okay gorgeous, let me start with some tough love because I've been EXACTLY where you are. 🙈

I used to be convinced that every guy I dated was emotionally unavailable. They couldn't open up, they weren't vulnerable enough, they weren't sharing their feelings with me. Sound familiar?

But here's the plot twist that changed everything: I was the one who was emotionally unavailable. Not them. ME.

I know, I know—you're probably thinking "Clare, what are you talking about? I'm the one begging for emotional connection!" But stick with me, boo, because this realization literally transformed my entire relationship life.

My Story: When "Emotionally Unavailable" Was Actually Me

Let me paint you a picture of where I was when I thought my ex was the problem. We were together for about 2.5 years, and he was genuinely my best friend. We had so much in common, and things were amazing until they weren't.

The relationship ended because he had major financial trouble that he never disclosed to me. When I found out after we broke up, I was hurt, shocked, and honestly a little upset. My immediate reaction? "See! He's emotionally unavailable! He couldn't be vulnerable with me!"

I felt so justified in that breakup. I was on this self-righteous path thinking he just couldn't open up to me. But looking back with the awareness I have now? Girl, I was NOT available for his emotions—or even my own! 😮‍💨

The Signs You're Emotionally Unavailable to Yourself

Here's the question that will change everything for you: How emotionally connected are you to yourself?

Be radically honest with yourself, gorgeous. How connected are you to:

• Your own thoughts and feelings
• Your emotional needs
• Your body's signals and communication
• Your tears (yes, crying is HEALTHY!)

I was in the worst relationship with myself during that time. I was a fitness competitor dealing with disordered eating, working out obsessively, and completely disconnected from my body. I wasn't listening to what my body was trying to tell me.

I was in complete self-abandonment mode, and then I expected him to fill me up emotionally. But here's the thing—if your own well is empty, it doesn't matter how many buckets of love someone brings. Your well is still empty! 💧

The Self-Abandonment Cycle That's Ruining Your Relationships

When we're deep in self-abandonment, we expect other people to fill us up instead of taking responsibility for our own emotional needs. This creates a few major problems:

• You're not acknowledging your own thoughts and feelings
• You're expecting your partner to be your emotional regulator
• You're not available to receive love even when it's being offered
• You can't let love in because you're not even connected to yourself

I used to think crying was for "weak" people (ugh, so toxic!). I had built this wall around my emotions, thinking that being "strong" meant never feeling anything. But now? I'm a total crier and I LOVE it! My husband will come home and find me crying over a TikTok of a dog and a child singing together. 😭

That emotional availability to myself changed everything about how I show up in relationships.

Why Love Can't Get In When You're Emotionally Disconnected

Here's what I want you to understand, boo: when we're not emotionally available to ourselves, love literally can't get in.

It's like love is knocking on your door, but because you're not even home to yourself, you can't answer it. The love is there, the person is showing up, but you're so disconnected from your own emotional world that you can't receive it.

This is why you might be with someone who:

• Tells you they love you (but you still doubt it)
• Shows up consistently (but you still feel insecure)
• Gives you reassurance (but it never feels like enough)
• Is emotionally available (but you still feel like something's missing)

The problem isn't them—it's that you're not emotionally available to receive what they're offering! ✨

Breaking the Pattern: How to Become Emotionally Available to Yourself

Before you can truly connect with your partner, you need to connect with yourself. This means:

Getting real about your relationship with yourself. Are you listening to your body? Honoring your emotions? Allowing yourself to feel without judgment?

Learning to cry and feel your feelings. I know it sounds basic, but if you're like I was—thinking emotions are "weak"—this is revolutionary work.

Stopping the self-abandonment cycle. Notice when you're expecting others to fill you up instead of taking responsibility for your own emotional needs.

Practicing emotional presence. Can you be with yourself when you're sad, angry, or scared without immediately trying to fix or change it?

Remember gorgeous, your relationship with yourself is directly related to how you relate with other people. When you heal that relationship with yourself, everything else starts to shift! 👑

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Get radically honest about your emotional availability to yourself - Ask yourself: Am I truly connected to my thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs?
2. Practice feeling your feelings without judgment - Allow yourself to cry, be sad, or feel scared without immediately trying to fix it
3. Notice when you're expecting others to fill you up - Catch yourself in the act of emotional dependency and redirect that energy toward self-connection
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies who are learning to become emotionally available to themselves

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:04] Introducing the topic of feeling emotionally distant in relationships
• [1:02] Claire introduces herself and her background as a relationship coach
• [3:00] Sharing the story of her 2.5 year relationship and why it ended
• [4:06] The financial disclosure that led to their breakup
• [4:45] Taking it personally when he couldn't open up to her
• [7:00] The realization that she was emotionally unavailable to herself
• [12:45] How emotionally connected are you to yourself - the key question

Related Posts You'll Love:

• How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
• Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
• How to Stop Self-Silencing and Express Your Feelings (Without Drama)
• How to Feel Secure When You're Apart in Your Relationship

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫