What I'm Still Healing (Even as a Relationship Coach)
Aug 06, 2025Think being a relationship coach means I have it all figured out? Think again, gorgeous! I'm about to spill the tea on what I'm STILL working on in my own healing journey. If you've been beating yourself up for "not healing fast enough," this one's for you! ๐
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The Healing Trap I Still Fall Into (And You Probably Do Too)
Can we talk about something real for a second? Even as someone who coaches high-achieving women through their anxious attachment healing every single day, I still catch myself in healing traps. ๐
Just recently, I was reflecting on my relationship with Craig during a cleanse we were doing, and I caught myself thinking, "Wow, we haven't fought at all. We're doing so good!" And that's when it hit me—I was still operating from that old stinking thinking that no conflict equals a good relationship.
Here's the truth bomb, boo: The absence of conflict doesn't create a good relationship. In fact, I get very worried when people tell me they never fight because that's not real life! You're going to have differences, and honestly, I hope you do because you don't want to be dating a replica of yourself.
If you're not having any disagreements, my question becomes: who is making themselves small? Who is not standing up for what they want? What's really happening beneath the surface? โจ
Why Healing Isn't a Destination (It's Like Tending a Garden)
I've been moving away from the word "healing" lately because it's often portrayed as this end zone place where you'll be healed and everything will be fine. That feels like such a game that can be really defeating when you don't reach some imaginary milestone.
What I've come to understand is that healing is like a flower that keeps blooming, or a beautiful painting that you see in different light and from different perspectives. When Craig and I went to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum in Santa Fe, she kept painting the same common areas of her house, but her ability to see something different each time—that's the epitome of healing. ๐ธ
Healing isn't about getting somewhere totally different. It's about being in the spot you're at and seeing things differently.
Think of it like gardening, gorgeous. You might pick all the weeds, but give it a week or a couple of days, and guess what? More weeds! We have to tend our garden constantly. You might be learning how to plant seeds, and maybe the tomatoes died over there, and that relationship didn't work out. That's all part of the process of learning how to tend the garden.
The Truth About Anxious Attachment (It's Part of Your Makeup)
Here's something I want you to really hear: I see anxious attachment very similarly to alcoholism. Now, I'm not an expert in addiction (though I've watched a LOT of interventions—love that show! ๐คฉ), but there are similarities.
Just like an alcoholic doesn't totally eliminate the desire to drink (that's why they have sponsors and go to meetings even after 20 years sober), anxious attachment is part of you. It's a disease—you're not at ease.
Whether you were exposed to something unreliable or unpredictable early on, it becomes part of your makeup. This is how I know that even though I'm married and we have a really secure, loving relationship, I can still notice my anxious attachment flare up sometimes with friendships or work situations.
I'll feel that little ping of "Oh, they didn't get back to me. Are they mad?" It's not just singular to your romantic relationship—it shows up everywhere because it's part of who you are. ๐
The Game-Changer: Healing as Practice, Not Perfection
When we can understand that this is part of us and our makeup, there's a level of acceptance that this isn't going to completely go away. We just get better at handling it. We get better at addressing it when the trigger comes up.
This is NOT the absence of triggers, y'all! Life is triggering. Relationships—ALL relationships—have potential for triggers. Go home for the holidays if you want prime trigger time! ๐
I was just working with a one-on-one client who's been with me for a month with SO much success. She's noticing her triggers, recognizing them, able to stop them. But then one time she wasn't able to, and she started beating herself up for it.
Guess what made her spiral worse? The shame she put on herself for having the trigger in the first place! Your shame and making yourself wrong will put you right back in a spiral faster than anything else.
How Self-Compassion Changes Everything
When we can really accept that healing is a practice, not a perfection, you're going to 10x how you feel. You're going to 10x feeling confident, secure, and safe within yourself.
You're not going to do well if you beat yourself up. The moment you catch yourself spiraling and then shame yourself for it is the moment you lose all your progress.
Instead, try this: "Oh hey, there's that old pattern. I see you. Thanks for trying to keep me safe. We're going to try something different now." Treat yourself like you would your best friend going through the same thing. ๐
Remember gorgeous, no fighting and no friction doesn't equal good. In fact, healthy relationships need some tension to grow. The goal isn't to eliminate all conflict—it's to learn how to navigate it from a place of security and groundedness.
Real Talk: Navigating Space and Distance in Relationships
Let me address something that came up in our Healing Girl Gang Q&A. Vanessa shared that her partner of 5 years asked for space, and she's been spiraling because it's been a month with minimal contact.
Here's some wisdom for anyone in a similar situation: Just because someone doesn't give you closeness in the timeframe you want doesn't mean anything about you. Distance and space are not punishments, even though they can feel like it when your safety mechanism gets triggered.
If you're going to reach out after giving space, you HAVE to come from a place of groundedness, neutrality, and internal clarity—not from fear, impatience, or demand. That inner work is what we focus on in the Healing Girl Gang, because it doesn't always come easy and sometimes needs more personal attention. โจ
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Practice self-compassion when you "mess up" - Notice when you're shaming yourself for having triggers and redirect with kindness instead.
- Embrace healing as a garden you tend daily - Stop looking for the finish line and start enjoying the process of growth and learning.
- Get curious about your conflict patterns - Ask yourself: am I avoiding healthy conflict to feel "safe"? Who's making themselves small?
- Join the Healing Girl Gang community - Surround yourself with other high-achieving women who get it and are doing the work alongside you.
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:05] What Claire is still healing even as a relationship coach and why this matters for your journey
- [4:25] Why she's moving away from the word "healing" and what she uses instead
- [6:40] The healing trap of thinking no conflict means a good relationship
- [8:22] How anxious attachment is like addiction and why it's part of your makeup
- [10:31] The beautiful gardening metaphor for understanding the healing process
- [11:23] Real client story about how self-shame makes triggers worse
- [12:52] Q&A with Vanessa about navigating space and distance in relationships
Related Posts You'll Love:
- 3 Reasons Your Anxious Attachment Isn't Healing
- How to Heal the Root of Anxious Attachment (Not Just the Symptoms)
- Stop Anxious Attachment to Live Your Best Life
- What To Do When Your Anxious Attachment is Triggered
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
