What To Do When They're Not Ready for a Relationship
Jul 23, 2025Are you falling for someone who says they're "not ready" for a relationship? Hearing those words hit different when you're already imagining a future together, and now you're questioning everything about yourself. Gorgeous, I've been there—and I'm here to help you navigate this painful reality with grace and wisdom. ๐
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The Real Reason "I'm Not Ready" Hurts So Much
When someone tells you they're not ready for a relationship, it can feel like a direct attack on your worth. Trust me, I know that sting intimately.
I remember being with this absolutely wonderful guy—sweet, kind, all the things—and when we hit the one-year mark, I got really clear (okay, maybe too clear) about wanting to know where we were headed. The conversation didn't go how I planned, and hearing that he wasn't ready felt like confirmation of every insecurity I had about myself.
But here's what I wish I knew then: someone not being ready has absolutely nothing to do with your value or worthiness. Let me say that again for the girlies in the back—their readiness level is NOT a reflection of who you are! ๐
Think of it like this: just because someone needs glasses to see clearly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what they're looking at. You're still you, gorgeous and whole, even if they can't see your full value right now.
Ready Is a Choice, Not a Feeling
This might be controversial, but I need you to hear this: ready is a choice, not a feeling. โจ
We've been conditioned to think that we need to feel ready before we take big steps, but that's honestly just not how life works. Ask any parent if they felt ready to have kids—guaranteed they'll tell you that you're never going to feel like you have enough money, the right house, or all your stuff figured out.
When I look at situations like Clay and AD from Love is Blind (yes, I'm pulling inspiration from Netflix again! ๐), I see someone who had genuine feelings but was waiting for this magical "ready" feeling that was never going to come. He was letting his fear of not being perfect determine his ability to show up in the relationship.
The truth? Perfection is a lie, and waiting to be perfect will keep you stuck forever. You'll never be fully healed from all your trauma, you'll never have it all figured out, and that's actually okay! It's about being "good enough" and choosing to show up anyway.
When You're Focused on the Destination, You Miss the Journey
Can I be real with you for a second? I totally messed up in that relationship I mentioned earlier, and not because I didn't love my husband (who I found later)—but because I was so focused on getting to marriage that I completely overlooked the actual human I wanted to marry.
I was talking about what I wanted, not about creating a union with him. I wanted the white dress, the wedding, the destination—but I wasn't really seeing or valuing the person I claimed I wanted to build a life with.
It's like crash dieting for a vacation. Sure, you might fit into that dress for one night, but you're going to pay the price afterward because you focused on the destination instead of building sustainable health. When we get attached to relationship milestones instead of the actual relationship, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
The Story You're Making Up About Yourself
When someone says they're not ready, your brain probably goes into overdrive creating stories about why. I know mine did—I wasn't pretty enough, talented enough, or good enough of a girlfriend. All of it fell under what I call "not enoughness." ๐ค
But gorgeous, those thoughts are just stories—they're not facts, and there's no evidence to support them. Just because someone can't see your value clearly doesn't diminish your value.
Here's what really helped me shift this pattern: understanding that relationships aren't built on what you do or what you bring to the table. They're built on who you're being. My husband and I didn't match because of my job, my achievements, or any external thing—we matched because of who I was being in the relationship.
Breaking Free from the "Doing" Trap
If you're someone who's been taught that your value comes from what you accomplish (hello, fellow high-achievers! ๐๐ฝ), then rejection is going to feel extra painful because you've tied your worth to your performance.
This creates a really dysfunctional dynamic where you think, "If I just do XYZ perfectly, they'll want to be with me." But love doesn't work that way, boo!
Who you BE is what attracts the right person and leads to healthy relationships. Not your grades, your job, your achievements, or how perfectly you text back. It's your energy, your presence, your authentic self.
What to Do When You're the One Who Feels Rejected
First, take a deep breath and remember that their inability to see your worth is like them needing glasses—it's about their vision, not about you being less valuable.
Second, get curious about whether you're seeking a relationship or seeking validation. Are you genuinely excited about building something beautiful with this specific person, or are you more attached to the idea of being chosen?
Finally, focus on building your sense of self-worth that's independent of what you do for people. Your value comes from who you are, not from how perfectly you perform in relationships.
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Get honest about your attachment to destinations - Are you focused on the relationship milestones or the actual person you're building with?
- Practice separating their readiness from your worth - Their glasses prescription has nothing to do with your value, gorgeous!
- Examine where you tie your worth to your "doing" - Notice when you're performing for love versus just being yourself.
- Join the Healing Girl Gang - Surround yourself with other women who are committed to healing anxious attachment and building secure love.
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:06] Introduction to Love is Blind season 6 inspiration and Clay/AD situation
- [2:13] Personal story about pressuring someone for marriage commitment
- [4:41] How cultural pressure affects women's attachment to marriage
- [8:37] Why "ready" is a choice, not a feeling you wait for
- [10:49] Breaking down the perfection trap in relationships
- [12:35] Understanding that rejection isn't about your worth
- [15:52] The difference between doing vs. being in relationships
Related Posts You'll Love:
- How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
- Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
- From Anxious to Engaged: How My Clients Found Secure Love
- How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! ๐ซ
