Are you stuck in an exhausting cycle where things feel amazing when you're together, but fall apart the moment you're apart? Where you chase and they retreat, then you retreat and they chase? Girl, you're caught in the classic push-pull dynamic—and I'm here to help you break free from this relationship rollercoaster! 💕

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What Is the Push-Pull Dynamic (And Why It's Ruining Your Peace)

Let me paint you a picture, gorgeous. You know that feeling when everything is perfect when you're physically together—you're laughing, connecting, feeling so in love—but the second you're apart, it's like a switch flips? 🙈

This is the push-pull dynamic in action. It's that exhausting cycle where:

• You get anxious when they pull back, so you chase
• They feel overwhelmed by your pursuit, so they retreat further
• You eventually get tired and pull back yourself
• Then suddenly THEY start chasing YOU
• Rinse and repeat until you're both dizzy

I've been there, boo. With Craig and me, it felt like clockwork—every two weeks or once a month, we'd have the same genre of fight. Not necessarily the exact same issue, but the same pattern playing out over and over again.

The frustrating part? You KNOW you want things to be better, but you can't figure out how to break the cycle with this person (or honestly, within yourself).

Why Your Emotional Consistency Is the Key to Everything

Here's what I learned the hard way: the problem isn't your partner, it's that you're relying on them for emotional consistency.

When you don't have that emotional foundation within yourself, everything gets amplified in your external relationships. It's like trying to build a house on quicksand—no matter how beautiful the structure, it's going to be shaky! ✨

I remember having a weekly check-in with Craig where things were said that would have absolutely TRIGGERED the hell out of me in the past. But because I had put my emotional body and emotional state first, I was able to watch myself think, "Oh, that kind of stings, but it doesn't mean anything about me. This just means something in our dynamic needs to grow."

That shift changes everything. When you can acknowledge your feelings, have space to feel them, and accept them without making them mean something catastrophic about your relationship, you create the foundation for real intimacy.

The Codependency Trap That Keeps You Stuck

Let's talk about something that might sting a little: if you feel bad when they feel bad, and their emotions directly impact your emotions, that's codependency, gorgeous. 🤗

This is super common with anxious attachment, and it's like a slippery slope. When you're codependent:

• Their mood becomes your mood
• You try to manage their feelings to feel better yourself
• You take responsibility for emotions that aren't yours
• You lose sight of where you end and they begin

Here's the truth bomb: They get to have their emotions, and you get to have yours. They can be disappointed, upset, or triggered—and that doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that you need to fix it immediately.

The goal isn't to never disappoint each other (impossible!), but to create safety for both of you to have your full emotional experience without making the other person responsible for managing it.

Why Speaking Up Feels So Scary (But Is Absolutely Necessary)

One of the biggest questions I get is about feeling guilty for speaking up in relationships. Like Amber from my Healing Girl Gang community who shared about her boyfriend not communicating about her brother's wedding until the last minute.

Here's what I know: What damages relationships is withholding, not honest communication. 💕

You might feel bad for bringing something up because:

• You're worried about disappointing them
• You've been conditioned to prioritize their comfort over your truth
• You're afraid of conflict or them pulling away
• You think "good" partners don't have needs or complaints

But here's the reality—things need to be said in relationships. Craig and I have a nickname for each other: we're "truth partners." We made a solemn oath to be truthful with each other, even when it stings a little.

Creating Safety for Truth in Your Relationship

The question isn't whether you should speak up (you should!), but how can you make it safe for both of you to be honest?

This means:

• Allowing your partner to be disappointed when you share something difficult
• Not taking their initial reaction as the final word on your relationship
• Focusing on how you can work through things together
• Remembering that temporary discomfort often leads to deeper connection

When we were in our most toxic dynamics, it was because we were trying not to disappoint each other. We were withholding truth, tiptoeing around issues, and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't.

Breaking free from the push-pull cycle requires both of you to take responsibility for your own emotional experience while staying open to feedback and growth. It's not about being perfect—it's about being real. 👑

The Betrayal Wound That Amplifies Everything

Something I touched on in this episode that feels really important: betrayal. Whether it's from past relationships, family dynamics, or even larger systemic issues (hello, feeling unheard in the world), betrayal wounds amplify the push-pull dynamic.

When you've experienced betrayal, your nervous system is on high alert for signs that it's happening again. Every little thing your partner does gets filtered through this lens of "Are they going to hurt me too?"

The healing here involves:

• Recognizing when your betrayal wound is activated
• Pausing before you react from that wounded place
• Taking time to regulate your nervous system
• Seeking community and support outside of your relationship
• Remembering that not everyone is your past person

Processing betrayal is complex and takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these deeper layers. 🤗

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Focus on your emotional consistency first - Start noticing when you're looking to your partner to regulate your emotions for you
2. Practice allowing disappointment - Both yours and theirs, without making it mean the relationship is doomed
3. Create safety for truth-telling - Ask yourself how you can make it safer for both of you to be honest
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang - Surround yourself with other women who understand this journey and can support your growth

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:07] Introduction to understanding push-pull dynamics and season 2 announcements
• [1:44] The importance of zooming out and seeing bigger patterns in your healing
• [4:27] How Claire was feeling the emotional impact of potential social media changes
• [9:42] What the push-pull dynamic actually looks like in relationships
• [12:35] Why emotional consistency within yourself is crucial for breaking the cycle
• [16:09] Answering Amber's question about feeling guilty for speaking up
• [20:28] The importance of allowing disappointment and creating safety for truth

Related Posts You'll Love:

• How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
• 3 Signs Your Anxious and Avoidant Relationship Will Work
• How To Stop Needing Constant Reassurance in Your Relationship
• How to Stop Self-Silencing and Express Your Feelings (Without Drama)

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫