Are you in an anxious-avoidant relationship wondering if it can actually work? Tired of the push-pull cycle that leaves you both exhausted? My husband Craig and I were the CLASSIC anxious-avoidant disaster—but we've built something beautiful together. Here's exactly how we did it! 💕

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The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle That Nearly Broke Us

Let me paint you a picture of our early relationship, gorgeous. I was the anxiously attached one—when something small happened (like misreading a text), I would get all bent out of shape and spiral. Craig, my avoidantly attached husband, would retreat into his "cave of isolation" to process.

And on and on this cycle would go! 🌀 It was ROUGH, boo. I'm talking about the kind of rough where you wonder if this relationship thing is even worth it.

But here's what I want you to know: that way of being is so far in the past now that it feels like it wasn't even real. We've been having some tough, kick-in-the-butt conversations lately, and the way we communicate and hold space with each other is literally night and day from where we started.

The transformation didn't happen overnight, but it DID happen. And if we can do it, so can you! ✨

Understanding Your Attachment Styles (Without Making Them Your Identity)

Here's something I love about our relationship now—we don't walk around labeling each other as "anxious" or "avoidant." Instead, we have language around what's actually happening when we get triggered.

For me (anxiously attached): My early conditioning was really inconsistent. There was volatility, reactivity, and a lot of unsureness growing up. I didn't know what was going to happen, so I learned that closeness equals safety. When I feel scared, I want to get closer. 🙈

For Craig (avoidantly attached): His feelings weren't that important growing up—they maybe didn't even matter. He learned to withdraw to deal with emotions because they just weren't valued. When he feels triggered, he tends to shut down and need space.

The game-changer? We go right to the core of what's happening when we're triggered instead of using attachment styles as excuses. This approach helps us address the real issue instead of getting stuck in labels.

The Moment Everything Changed (Vulnerability Was the Key)

There was this pivotal moment early in our relationship where Craig was about to run—and I mean LITERALLY run away. He was a bit of a wild pony back then! 🤩

I finally cracked open my heart and said something like, "This feels so familiar. People leave me. You're going to leave." But here's the crucial part—I wasn't saying it from a place of begging or manipulation. I was just being vulnerable about the actual hurt I was feeling.

For the first time, I showed him the pain underneath all my anxious behaviors. And you know what? He didn't run. He actually saw the thing that was hurting the most and stayed with it.

This taught me that vulnerability isn't about convincing someone to stay—it's about showing up authentically and letting them choose. When we show our real hurt instead of our reactive behaviors, it creates space for genuine connection.

Learning to Navigate Differences (Not Fix Them)

One of the biggest shifts for us was learning to embrace our differences instead of trying to change each other.

Craig needs decompression time when he gets home from work, and I'm usually bubbling over with excitement to connect. In the past, this caused so much friction! I'd take it personally, and he'd feel pressured.

Now? We understand it's not about right or wrong—we're just very different. I've learned to give him space, and he's learned to communicate his needs clearly. The knowing helps so much, even when we don't get it perfect every time.

Craig used to literally get naked the second he walked in the door as a teacher—socks off, everything! 😂 He needed to shed the day completely. Understanding this helped me see it wasn't about me at all.

The Growth Work That Actually Made the Difference

Here's what Craig shared about his transformation (and honestly, I'm so proud of him for this): "I eventually wanted to grow up for myself."

It wasn't about me forcing him to change or giving ultimatums. He recognized that his coping strategies—avoiding intimacy, shutting down, running away—were no longer working for the life he wanted to create.

The real breakthrough came when we both took radical self-responsibility. I made the decision to look at my own patterns and where I was avoiding being with myself. I got clear that I was going to grow no matter what—hopefully together, but I wasn't attached to that outcome.

This removed the pressure from our relationship and allowed us both to do the work from a place of genuine desire for growth rather than fear-based change.

What Actually Works for Anxious-Avoidant Couples

If you're in an anxious-avoidant relationship, here's what I want you to know:

Information is nothing without application. You can read all the attachment theory books, save all the Instagram posts, and listen to every podcast—but unless you're willing to do the deep work of changing your patterns, you'll stay stuck.

The process requires:

• Both people being willing to look at their own stuff 👑
• Understanding that healing isn't linear
• Having patience for different timelines of growth
• Creating safety for vulnerability
• Not trying to control the other person's process

Slow is the way to grow into a secure relationship. We think if we move fast or get to a certain "destination," nothing bad will happen. But love is about the journey, not the destination.

Where We Are Now (And Why There's Hope for You)

These days, what used to feel impossible is now our normal. Craig can talk about our past triggers without getting re-triggered. I can give him space without spiraling into abandonment fears. We've both learned to show up for ourselves first, which allows us to show up for each other.

The thing that keeps us growing together? We both had to work at it in our own ways and timelines. You've gotta do the work, they've gotta do the work, and you both have to be willing.

Remember gorgeous: nobody is perfect, and relationships aren't plug and play. But with the right tools, understanding, and commitment to growth, anxious-avoidant relationships absolutely CAN become secure. 💕

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you're in an anxious-avoidant relationship and want to create lasting change, here are your next steps:

1. Take radical self-responsibility for your own patterns and triggers before trying to change your partner
2. Focus on your own growth and let go of controlling the outcome of the relationship
3. Practice vulnerability over reactivity by sharing your actual feelings instead of your anxious behaviors
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies who understand the anxious-avoidant struggle

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [0:17] Introduction to our anxious-avoidant anniversary episode
• [2:51] Explaining anxious vs avoidant attachment styles without labels
• [10:52] The pivotal moment when vulnerability changed everything
• [15:16] How Craig describes his growth process and "growing up"
• [22:36] Learning to navigate our different energy needs
• [25:10] What feels easy now that used to feel hard
• [31:39] Craig's advice for men wanting to do emotional work

Related Posts You'll Love:

• 3 Signs Your Anxious and Avoidant Relationship Will Work
• How to feel Secure in your Anxious with an Avoidant Relationship Valentine's Edition!
• How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
• How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫