How to Stop "Coping" with Relationship Anxiety (& Actually Heal)
Jul 23, 2025Are you constantly overthinking every little exchange with your partner? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Girl, "coping" with relationship anxiety isn't the answer—and I'm about to tell you why that mindset is actually keeping you stuck! 💕
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The Truth About "Coping" with Relationship Anxiety
Okay gorgeous, let's talk about this word "cope" because honestly? It makes me cringe a little bit. 🙈 When I think about coping, I think about putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound or slapping some Crisco on a cut (yes, I went there!).
Sure, in an emergency situation, that might work temporarily. But if you're just putting Crisco on a cut and calling it a day, I can tell you right now that six months later, you might be dealing with some serious scarring or even infection. That's exactly what happens when we try to "cope" with relationship anxiety instead of actually healing it.
The thing is, coping keeps you comfortable—and comfort is dangerous for relationships, bb. You're either growing together or you're growing apart, and there's no in-between.
Why Finding a "Secure" Partner Won't Fix Your Anxious Attachment
Let me share something that might sting a little: I used to think that if I just found someone with secure attachment, all my problems would be solved. So you know what I did? I found multiple people with secure attachments and guess what happened? I blew those relationships UP. 💣
I took those secure, healthy, wonderful relationships and because I didn't address my own wounds, they imploded. I wasn't doing the internal work—I was trying to solve the problem externally by just picking a different person. Instead of John, I'll pick James. Instead of James, I'll pick Tom. But the common denominator was still me.
This is what I see so many high-achieving girlies doing. You're crushing it in your career, climbing the corporate ladder, slaying as an entrepreneur, but somehow that success isn't translating to your love life. Sound familiar? 👑
The Plateau Effect: When Therapy & Self-Care Aren't Enough
I've been in therapy on and off my whole life, doing yoga, taking walks in nature (amazing for the nervous system, by the way!), and trying all the things. And while those are all beneficial, I hit a plateau. I was doing everything "right" but still feeling stuck in the same anxious patterns.
It wasn't until I met my husband that things got REAL. The ish got real, y'all! I had to really dial it in because I realized that no amount of external fixes were going to heal what was happening inside of me.
Here's what I learned: anxious attachment goes way deeper than just surface-level strategies. You can't just distract yourself or use coping mechanisms forever—you need to get to the root.
My Husband's Game-Changing Moment (& What It Taught Me About Growth)
Let me paint you a picture of what true healing looks like. Just a few days ago, my husband and I were having one of those big conversations about our future (we live full-time in an RV, so there's always a lot to figure out!). These conversations used to have so much charge—lots of emotion, potential for misunderstandings, different timelines and goals.
At the end of our conversation, that old wound that used to create my anxious attachment flared up. I was feeling unsure and doing my typical thing of thinking he was mad at me. But here's what happened that literally made me want to cry happy tears:
An hour later, he pulled me into his arms, looked me in the eye and said, "Hey, I just want to remind you that when I get silent or when I get quiet, I'm not mad at you. I'm actually mad at myself."
Y'all, this moment was so powerful because it showed me what's possible when TWO people are committed to growth instead of just coping. We both worked SO hard to get to this place where we're holding ourselves accountable and coming together to communicate well. ✨
Why Comfort Zones Are Relationship Killers
Here's something that might sound harsh but I'm saying it with so much love: being comfortable is dangerous for relationships. Whether you're living in the Midwest with a cute picket fence or doing the Sex and the City thing in New York, that comfort zone will keep you stuck.
You're going to change throughout your life (at least I hope so!), and your relationship is going to change too. The reality is you're either going to grow together or unfortunately, you're going to grow apart.
My husband and I chose to get out of our comfort zone by literally changing our environment and traveling full-time. It's been incredibly challenging but also so beautiful for our relationship because we don't just find challenges—we face them together.
The Marriage Myth: Why "I Do" Doesn't Equal Security
I need to bust this myth right now: getting married is NOT a guarantee that your anxious attachment symptoms will disappear. I have clients who are deep into marriage with kids who are still dealing with major relationship anxiety because they never addressed the deeper wounds that cause the anxiety.
Just because you put a ring on it doesn't mean you're suddenly safe from feeling triggered or getting complacent. You really want to address these things whether they're make-or-break in your relationship or you just want to feel the peace and safety that everyone deserves. 💕
From Surviving to Thriving: Your Path Forward
Listen babe, I don't want you to cope—I want you to THRIVE. I know in my heart that you deserve a mind-blowing relationship where surprises happen, sweet things occur, they hear you, they receive you, you have your own thing and they have their own, and you have this beautiful thing together.
But you can't just cope your way there. You've got to grab it, take action, and look at your wounds. You need to examine the default programming in your behavior, thoughts, and emotions. That's where the real transformation happens. 🤩
Next Steps For The Anxious Girly
If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:
- Stop using the word "cope" and start asking "How can I make this better?" instead of "How do I deal with this?"
- Examine your comfort zones and identify where you're staying stuck instead of growing in your relationship
- Look at your deeper wounds rather than just treating the surface-level symptoms of relationship anxiety
- Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies on the same healing journey
Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.
Key Moments in This Episode
- [0:22] What relationship anxiety really looks like for high-achieving women
- [2:44] Why getting married won't fix your anxious attachment
- [6:53] The powerful moment when her husband showed what secure communication looks like
- [8:45] Why "coping" is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound
- [10:23] How she blew up multiple secure relationships before doing the inner work
- [12:48] Why staying comfortable is actually dangerous for relationships
- [16:36] The myth that marriage equals relationship security
Related Posts You'll Love:
- How to FEEL more SECURE in Your Relationship (for overachieving women)
- 3 Reasons Your Anxious Attachment Isn't Healing
- How to Heal the Root of Anxious Attachment (Not Just the Symptoms)
- Stop Anxious Attachment to Live Your Best Life
Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫
