Are you stuck in that exhausting anxious-avoidant dance where you're chasing and they're running? Where miscommunication turns into days of silence and you're left spiraling? My husband Craig and I lived this cycle for YEARS—and today we're sharing exactly how we broke free and created the secure love we have now. 💕

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The Miscommunication That Nearly Broke Us

Let me paint you a picture of where Craig and I were seven years ago. We were living long distance, which already had my anxious attachment on HIGH alert. 🚨 Weekends were our sacred time together, so when Craig made plans with his dad and brother for a concert, I naturally assumed we'd hang out after.

But here's the thing—we never actually discussed this. I just assumed. He finished his family time, and I was like "okay, see you soon!" But that's not what happened. Craig went radio silent for what felt like an eternity (but was probably 48 hours), and I was over there literally having a breakdown.

I'm talking full anxious meltdown mode—I was "xana'd out" (as I so eloquently put it in the episode 🙈), crying into my Chipotle queso, and spiraling into every worst-case scenario my brain could create. Meanwhile, Craig was off doing his avoidant thing, completely shutting down communication.

This is the classic anxious-avoidant trap that so many of us get stuck in. The more I needed reassurance, the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away, the more I panicked. It's like relationship quicksand, babe.

The Truth About Avoidant "Shit Tests" (From Craig Himself)

Here's where it gets real, and I have to give Craig credit for his brutal honesty in our conversation. He admitted that during that 48-hour silence, he was essentially running a "shit test" on our relationship. 😬

As he put it: "It was a legitimate shit test that I had developed of if she's willing to hang out and hold on then maybe she's worth it... how long can I stretch it?"

Ouch, right? But here's what's important to understand—this wasn't Craig being intentionally cruel. This was his wounded attachment system trying to protect itself. When things got "too real" and vulnerable, his default was to create distance and see if I'd stick around.

For all my anxious girlies dating avoidant partners: this testing behavior often comes from their own fear of vulnerability. It doesn't make it okay, but understanding the "why" behind it can help you respond from a place of security rather than panic.

Why I Didn't Give Him an Ultimatum (And How That Changed Everything)

Here's the plot twist that probably saved our relationship: I never threatened Craig or gave him an ultimatum. I didn't say "change or I'm leaving." Instead, I made a decision that was all about ME.

I internally decided that I was going to grow and heal—with or without him. As I put it in the episode: "I am on a mission to be my highest self and I love you, but I knew that either like I had to do the work... whether we stayed together or not... I was just going to keep creating the same situation."

This was HUGE because it took the pressure off Craig while still honoring my own growth. I wasn't trying to manipulate him into changing—I was genuinely committed to my own healing journey.

The invitation I extended was simple: "Hey, we need to do this work and I want to work on me. I'd love for you to work on you." No threats, no ultimatums, just an open invitation to grow together.

The Shift From Protection to Connection

One of the biggest breakthroughs in our relationship came when we both realized that protection is rejection. 💔 When we protect ourselves through avoidance, people-pleasing, or emotional walls, we're essentially rejecting the very connection we crave.

For Craig, this looked like shutting down and creating distance when things got vulnerable. For me, it looked like trying to control outcomes and seek constant reassurance. Both were protection mechanisms that were actually pushing us apart.

We had to learn that safety in relationship comes from being present with each other's emotions—not trying to fix, change, or avoid them. This meant Craig learning to hold space for my big feelings without running away, and me learning to self-soothe without requiring his immediate response.

As Craig beautifully shared: "We've kind of learned about if somebody's over there crying or going through something to almost let them be rather than to feel like you need to go over there hug them say some words of encouragement because that helps you feel like you're helping them when really it's distracting them from actually going through the feelings."

The Foundation of Lasting Change: Radical Self-Responsibility

Here's what I want every anxious girly to hear: the person who takes radical self-responsibility first often becomes the catalyst for the entire relationship transformation. ✨

I wasn't waiting for Craig to change so I could feel better. I was committed to healing MY patterns regardless of what he chose to do. This energy shift was everything—it removed the desperation and pressure that often pushes avoidant partners further away.

But here's the beautiful part—when you're genuinely focused on your own growth and healing, it often inspires your partner to do the same work. Craig felt the authenticity of my commitment to myself, and it made him want to be part of that journey.

Remember: you can't love someone into healing, but you can love yourself into healing and create space for them to join you. 👑

The Tools That Actually Worked for Us

So what did the actual healing work look like? Here are the game-changers:

• Developing common vocabulary around our patterns and triggers
• Learning to hold space for each other's emotions without trying to fix or change them
• Building empathy for each other's attachment wounds and protection mechanisms
• Getting therapeutic support to develop healthy communication tools
• Practicing presence instead of trying to solve everything immediately

The biggest shift was learning that emotions are information, not emergencies. We didn't need to fix each other's feelings—we just needed to witness and hold space for them.

Craig's growth in this area has been incredible. As he shared: "I would have probably turned off a lot of shows and walked away and said we should do something else if I wasn't able to put up with all the crying... now I'm 100% okay with that because that's you."

Next Steps For The Anxious Girly

If you resonated with this episode (and I know you did, boo!), here are your next steps:

1. Take radical self-responsibility for your own healing journey - stop waiting for your partner to change first
2. Practice holding space for emotions (yours and theirs) without trying to fix or change anything immediately
3. Develop awareness around your protection mechanisms - how do you reject connection when you're trying to stay safe?
4. Join the Healing Girl Gang for support from other girlies navigating anxious-avoidant relationships 👯‍♀️

Remember, healing isn't linear. No effort is wasted! You're exactly where you need to be on your journey to becoming secure. And trust me when I say that the peace on the other side is SO worth it.

Key Moments in This Episode

• [2:37] The miscommunication that led to 48 hours of silence and breakdown
• [6:17] Craig admits to running "shit tests" and his avoidant protection mechanisms
• [11:04] How we never really talked about this painful incident until now
• [15:26] The empathy breakthrough that changed everything for us
• [22:05] Why I didn't give ultimatums and how that saved our relationship
• [24:13] Understanding that protection is rejection in relationships
• [26:59] The tools and practices that actually created lasting change

Related Posts You'll Love:

• 3 Signs Your Anxious and Avoidant Relationship Will Work
• Breaking the Push-Pull Cycle in Your Anxious-Avoidant Relationship
• Why You Keep Pushing Good People Away (And How to Stop)
• How to build self-trust (after a lifetime of self-abandonment)

Remember gorgeous, your healing journey is unique. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you're never alone in this process. The Healing Girl Gang has your back! 💫